Politics and VideoGames

2004-03-01T12:41:00.000-08:00

The State of the Art

The online weblog of E. H. McGregor has offically moved. You can check out my new page right here: The State of the Art . net It's new, and I'm still working on it, but there will be many, many advantages to the site move... not the least of which is you can now subscribe via RSS and be instantly updated with my witless banter. Also, you can post comments. all of these things are very cool, and I more than deserve them.

go there now.

-e

2004-02-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

BIG BIG NEWS

I know there are many, many, many devoted fans and former lovers out there who have wondered what the f*ck i've been doing not updating the site as often as i once did. Well, it's true. I have not been updating. But that's because there is big, big news on the horizon. Soon my friends... soon you will have all the updates you could ever want. stay tuned, as the plot will surely thicken.

-e

2004-02-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

Look at that List

Wow. look at the List of sites that are going to be hosting the Gray Album tomorow. that's pretty impressive.

Also, this site now has a site feed. It's over there on the right. You can subscribe and immediately be informed of updated goodness. Thank you.

-e

2004-02-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

Gray Tuesday

In response to the DJ Danger Mouse controversy, These guys have come up with a really cool form of civil disobedience. I've listened to the album and given it to 4 of my friends. I've never heard the original Black album, but I think what Dj Danger Mouse did was really very cool. I hope this catches the eye of the mainstream press. It's a really important issue for all of us that want to create art.

-e

2004-02-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

Violence

I was doing some research on video game violence for a thing I'm going to write, so I checked out a 1994 study by Craig Anderson (the leading authority) on Videogames and Aggression. In the study, he placed 2 people in front of a TV and had them play Cooperatively or Competitively at Super Mario Brothers. That's right, Super Mario Brothers. Then he gauged their aggression based on how high their kill ratio was. That's right, Kill ratio. So the people that killed the most koopas (either with fireballs or by jumping on them) were more aggressive. He then passed his study on to congress as legitimate scientific research.

I've got some scientific research for you, Craig. It's right here in my pants.

I unfortunately couldn't find any actual numbers regarding real violence toward koopas in 1994. I understand that in the simulated reality that was Super Mario Brothers, children could have easily learned aggressive and hostile attitudes toward koopas, but there is only anecdotal evidence to support this. I remember in my middle school there were a startling number of violent incidents between the koopas and the other kids. One time a friend of mine egged me on... so I ate the fire plant and started throwing fireballs at all the koopas in the playground. It's not something I’m proud of today. Maybe these videogames are getting to violent.

-e

2004-02-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

Probing Questions: Part 1

Why is my poo so brown? I didn't eat anything brown. I thought it was going to be more of a sandy orange color because earlier today I ate some eggs and a waffel and washed it down with some Orange Juice. Orange Juice isn't brown. What's up with that? I just don't know.

-e

2004-02-15T14:49:00.000-08:00

Linux... Reloaded

I can't believe i'm saying this. I really enjoy using Linux now. It took me more than a week and a half, over 4 clean installs, and many many hours, but I can finally do it. I have EVERYTHING working. CD burning/Ripping. DVD's. Limewire filesharing. Bittorrent is working. I downloaded MOzilla firebird and installed all the plugins. I have instant messanging. And I am currently on my most ambitions project, getting DV video to work. I'm really close.

It was difficult and time consuming, but all the effort i've put into understanding this bizzar little operating system has really paid off. I no longer deal with adware, the damn thing runs fast all the time and never feels bogged down with memory, and it is infact very easy to use once you set everything up (which isn't easy to do). I don't have any games working right now, but I want to get the firewire video stuff up and running first.

It does suck trying to understand all this bullshit. But I really feel like all the work was actually for something. I have a much better understand of how the LInux filesystem works, what all those etc directoies are for, and if there's a problem I at least know where to begin looking to fix it.

But the most important thing is I can pirate music and movies. Cheers, LInux. Cheers.

-e

2004-02-15T14:42:00.000-08:00

Thought about it

I thought about what happened with my review, and the guy Jason explained it to me in a way that made sense. they don't want crazy reviews because a lot of companies are looking at etoychest now. they are getting more than 30 gigs a month of traffic, which is pretty good. so I re-wrote the GT review and have decided to play nice. they offered me an opinion column which I will take full advantage of in the comming weeks. Until then I need to keep my supply of free video games flowing and that will come at the expense of my creative and artistic liscnese. or however you spell it.

From now on, it will be a kinder, gentler, more boring review.

-e

2004-02-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

Disapointing News

It appears that etoychest.org is moving in a different direction content wise. They are restructuring how they review their games so that they are more "Professional". I will not change the style or content of my reviews to a more "conventional" or "professional" style so It appears that I will probably not be reviewing anymore games. If you go there now and read the review posted for Sega GT you will see what they want my reviews to be. I can't accept that kind of mediocraty in my writing and presentation.

However, I think this will be a good opertunity to move on to greener pastures.

Dont' worry kids... Here is the REAL review for SegaGT. I think you guys will like it.

Four stars: ****

Sega GT: Online

I hate cars. And they hate me more. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk anywhere, so I own one. It’s a funny story... It all started when I began to apply the popular theory of “laissez faire” economics to the upkeep of my automobile. Initially, I just stopped changing my oil. But this new “Hands Off” philosophy was such a success that eventually I stopped changing my break pads, transmission fluid, and most importantly my timing belt. By not interfering with any of my car’s internal systems I saved about 20 bucks every 3 months! The downside of this was that my engine experienced a catastrophic failure on I5 and caught fire; it’s the story of my life, let me tell you. So I took the car into Russell, the pony tailed grease monkey over at the auto center and I told him what had happened. He scratched his crotch and looked at me like I was some kind of idiot. Which I guess I am. I asked him how much it would be to fix, and as I walked home that night the sound of his laughter echoed through the hollow chambers of my empty wallet.

The point, if there is one, is that I don’t know anything about cars and for the most part owning one has ruined my life. Be that as it may, racing games are still fun and there are two schools of thought on why. There are those among us who believe that racing games should be hyper real adrenaline factories producing levels of excitement in the player equal to or greater than, say, finding out that the baby ISN’T yours (which it wasn’t, thank God). On the other side of the fence sit those who believe a racing game should be a technically accurate simulation of real life. An engine revving experience so perfect that the player would mistake it for reality in every way. Which kind of sounds like fun, if it weren’t such a bad idea for a video game. Allow me to quote this guy:

“The day racing games started to get boring (culminating in the shattering, knuckle-chewing triumvirate of tedium that is Gran Turismo, Ferrari F355 and R: Racing Evolution) was the day you had to spend more time fighting to stop your car skidding clean off the track and crunching to a dead stop than you did burning up your opponents.”

And it’s true. These games aren’t fun. But I take the most issue with calling them “Simulations.” You can’t have a racing “Simulator” and not include collision detection or crash physics. It alters the way people race, making the whole experience that much less realistic. Now, follow me here, if Gran Turismo got Burnout drunk on Yeager Meister, and the two went home and made a little baby game together while Project Gotham watched, you might really be on to something. As it stands now, even Sega GT is technically a fraud and in the end just isn’t as fun as we all want it to be. And yes, by “fun” I mean unscripted mayhem.

I want to be very clear: I think games like this are about as interesting as having stage 4 Neuroblastoma. However, I’ve come to understand that other people really get into it. But, you know, some people watched Titanic 33 times so there’s no accounting for taste in this world. I’ll make this as simple as possible. If you know what a “Drive Shaft” does then this game is probably for you; please read on. But if you think Torque is something you do with a water pipe, then take your 20 bucks on a trip down to the local head shop because this game requires a lot more focus than you’re going to be able to come up with right now.

So now that we all know how I feel about “Racing Simulators,” we finally arrive at Sega GT 2002: Online. Let me give you a quick rundown on the game mechanics, and then I’ll tell you why it’s a good game and worth the 20 bucks for all you crazy gear heads out there.

Graphics
As we have come to expect from racing games, the car models are excellent. Sega GT has about a million cars, all of them accurately modeled, and the variety adds a zesty spice to every race. I guess by current standards the graphics are a little behind (i.e. Project Gotham Racing 2), but this occurs only on a technical level and is of such minutia that it detracts nothing from the overall game experience.

Gameplay
The controls are tight and responsive. The breaking and power sliding were particularly well done and the handling on each of the cars felt unique and tangible, a comment worth mentioning as there are over 800 thousand cars.

Also in this category is the ability to modify your car. Each car can be added onto, tweaked, tuned, modded and otherwise made to order. I found this aspect of the game to be like the ocean, vast and deep. I have no doubt that real gear heads would find this to be the real draw, the potent additive that keeps them hooked while probably giving them cancer. It seems to be made of the same stuff they put in Taco Bell’s meat. I, however, am not a car guy (see above), and I just found this part intimidating.

Online
The online part of Sega GT is an interesting mix of good and pretty good. The actual races threw me off a little bit. The cars were a bit jittery on the screen and sometimes they would skip around quite a bit. Overall it was fine, and nobody seemed to mind. However, the online part of Sega GT offers some really cool features, two of which stand out the most. The first one is a Garage Sale and Trading option where you can trade parts, cars, and money with other players. It’s a very interesting concept and works pretty well. The other is the ability to import your custom cars into an online race! I think that both of those are really great ideas and add a lot to the game. There’s some sort of Team Battle that we couldn’t figure out how to use (I’m sure it was really fun) and there’s also the ability to unofficially gamble on races by transferring money from one person to another! Just like real life. I think the Online aspect of Sega GT is a welcome and well done addition to the single player game that, with the option to trade cars and parts, will help some car geek forget how lonely he really is.

Sound
Blows. Sega GT comes with some of the cheesiest, clichéd arcade pop music I’ve ever heard. It’s really bad. So bad that I wrote a letter. Fortunately the Xbox allows us to listen to our own music so I got to put in some quality time with Wilco, Modest Mouse, and The Pixies and Morphine. I always appreciate the ability to listen to my own music in these games, and Sega GT makes it easy to select, change, and maneuver through your music library.

There is definitely a sense of reward, even satisfaction, as you climb through the ranks, wining races and accruing cars, which will keep you coming back for more. If I had any idea what a high gear ration was it would probably make winning with one that much better.

I wouldn’t say I have a newfound respect for these “Racing Simulators,” but I get where they’re coming from and why people like them so much. I’m not saying it hasn’t poisoned the racing genera, but I’m willing to believe that for some people it’s difficult to find a date and you have to fill that time with something you enjoy. Sega GT, I feel, is a particularly strong game because of it’s wide selection of cars, it’s in depth modification features, and an intriguing online component that seems to foster a community “Farmers Market” for automobile parts and goods (if you’re into that sort of thing). The gameplay is well done and there is certainly a feeling of accomplishment when you win a race with your custom ride. That feeling will keep you playing long into the night, despite the fact that running around the same track for 7 hours is boring as hell.

If you know what a Rotary Engine is, then you might appreciate this game on a level I never will. But if your idea of fun is waking up in Vegas the next morning and wondering, “where did these bite marks come from?” then you might want to take your 20 bucks somewhere else because this game is for professionals. Bottom line, for 20 dollars it’s a steal.

Personally, I’ll be in Vegas. Probably at Olympic Gardens.

E. H. McGregor

2004-02-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

New Review: Sega GT

Just a bit of Pre-Review hype. I've got a new review for Sega GT 2002: Online that will be posted tonight or tomorow. Be sure to check etoychest as often as you can so that you can be the first person in the whole world to read it! The winner will get a special prize... IN MY PANTS!

2004-02-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

Fire Drill

I was startled from my usual work routine of compulsively surfing the Internet today by the piercing wail of the fire alarm system. For a brief flash of a second, a period of time that escapes the conventions of human measurement, I felt excitement. Then it was gone. Heads popped up from the cubicles next to mine and looked around as the fire alarm blared away. We all kind of looked at each other. Nobody questioned whether the building was on fire, we just wondered... well, we just wondered.

We made our way out of the office and into the warm California sun, walking around the building and into the parking lot. I couldn't help but look up at the sky, hoping to see a towering pillar of black smoke pouring from the smoldering remains of my crumbling office building. The screams of my co-workers would be deafening. The sight of our catastrophe would be shocking, inescapable and real. However there was no fire, and I felt cheated, like a boy who only gets a hug good bye after an expensive date.

We stood in the parking lot talking, smoking, looking around in our neat little groups. There was a pleasant look of release on everybody's face. It was a quiet look that lay just under the surface, but we all had it. We were out. We were doing something that none of us had planned for. We were having our own little adventure!

I thought, in that moment, about all the things I've seen. I thought about passing a gutted train station in Hungary, on the other side of the world.

"You know, my whole life and I've never seen anybody ever look concerned during one of these things" an astute co-worker pointed out to me as I leaned against the trunk of some asshole's BMW.

I thought about it for a moment.

"That's probably because, during your whole life, there's never really been a fire during one of these things." He paused, and then shrugged in agreement. We walked back inside.

My 17 minute adventure ended much like it began: at my cubicle.

-e

2004-02-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

24 Hour Fatness

So there are these two guys who came into my work today to sell memberships to 24 hour fitness. Only problem is that these two guys are fat. That's right, I said it: FAT. I'm not buying a membership to a gym from a fat guy. I mean... how is he supposed to sit there and look me in the eye and tell me I'm the one who needs to go to the gym?!

On the flip side of that argument, it holds true that I will buy just about anything from a skinny girl. I would by a Fat Machine from Penelope Cruz if she asked me right (for that matter if she asked me at all). I don't buy things from fat guys, but I can't stop throwing my money at skinny girls.

I wonder why that is?

-e

2004-01-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

wow

That's what I call a Money Shot!

-e

2004-01-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

It's going to be a long Hard Road

I've been saying this for years: Jumpsuits. Jumpsuits are very clearly the way of the future. Their sleek, form fitting design highlights the asthetic beauty of the body and their simple, effecient implimentation in his/her wardrobe showcases the wearer's uncompromising drive to be successful. But the future does not come easily or without struggle. I point you now to This disapointing article.

I think I speak for the world when I say, We are all Cameroonians Today!

Go Cameroon!

-e

2004-01-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

New Site

Well, I did it. a few days ago I got a typepad account.

but I just canceled it.

I've been really unhappy with this blogger thing as of late, and I want desperately to have a real weblog. This has been great and all, a nice distraction from doing nothing at work, but I feel like If i'm giong to continue doing this I want to continue in a professional capacity. I have some really cool ideas for where I want my blogging career to go, but I don't have the time or resources available to do it right. I think that in a few months that will change. Until then, I may have some posts I put up, but nothing big.

-e

2004-01-12T09:57:00.000-08:00

Let them sing it

You guys gotta try this out.

This kind of wierd shit is what the internet is all about.

-e

2004-01-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

Perfect Girls play Videogames

So the saga in my house continues. I have recently come to believe that girls who, after living a life of sin and gluttony early in their youth, have come to know Jesus to try and make up for it all… are faking. No unlike every girl I’ve ever slept with.

More importantly this girl who now lives in my house likes to play videogames. I find this fact seductive. Seeing her sit on my couch without moving for hours at a time, hopelessly plugged into my Xbox Live account makes me feel like a some sort of wild, deep ocean fish staring up at an all to delicious piece of chum. It seems to good to be true. It is sexy though. I guess I have a problem.

The point is that she enjoys playing this game Crimson Skies, online no less. Which got me thinking… “I wonder why?”

I think Crimson Skies offers a unique cross gender gaming experience. You don’t play as a character, but as a gender neutral machine. Also, the game play is very neutral (i.e. you aren’t shooing a hand gun or throwing grenades, you are flying a plane) but also offers multiple levels of complexity.

As a side note, I found her interaction with the game very interesting. Crimson Skies is a full on 360 degree flying environment but the girl tended to play it on a very linear fashion. Meaning she looks at the game in terms of a flat, up and down, left and right orientation. Sort of like playing Mario Kart if you could instantly change altitude. I’m not judging… I’m just saying it’s wrong.

So I was thinking why she would find a game like this so fun. What are the core elements of game play that women enjoy. Crimson Skies is definitely male oriented in terms of story and style, but I think there are some very, very interesting cross over game play functions that are happening. Games know what guys like. We’ve basically covered it all. The real challenge in the next few years is to tap into how we can use video games to get women to take off their pants. It’s the future.

-e

2004-01-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

To Lazy for Jesus

So there’s this girl staying at my house. I find this situation acceptable, if not desirable at times. Returning to a home that has a girl inside it somewhere is more often than not better than a home with only Raman noodles and Pop Tarts.

When this girl unpacked her belongings last night I saw that inside her suitcase she had a book perched on the very top of her things, inviting me to begin conversation around it’s topic. And so I obliged, believing books to be tools of knowledge, things by which people are either enlightened or in some way freed or in other cases both.

This was no ordinary book full of factual information or critical thought. It was indeed a book sent from the Holy of Holies. It was a Jesus book. Worse still, it was one of those Jesus books that tried to confirm the presence and existence of Jesus through Scientific fact and rational thought. Impossible you say?

I was entertained for a short while with anecdotes from the book. These included musings on God and the Big Bang, Genetic Mutation, and the statistical probability that life was accidentally created (which is so statistically small that clearly somebody did it on purpose).

It was at this point that I realized I’m to God Damn lazy to believe in God. I don’t have time to sit around and ponder the true nature of God, what he looks like, how he thinks, what he eats, or even begin to get into the philosophical quandaries that one gets into when dipping into the murky waters of truth and existence governed by a conscious and active higher power. It’s to fucking messy.

For me it boils down to either doing a lot of pointless thinking or just accepting the idea that the universe is a tragically random mistake, a product and monument to the raw, naked force of numbers, and life in the end has no real meaning other than what we give it. At least the latter is a concrete answer and not some bullshit about nonsense I’ll never be able to prove anyway. And plus I don’t have to think about it anymore.

BAM! A tree just fell on that Forest Ranger. What did that mean in the grand scheme of things? Was he a good person? Did he have bad karma? Did God take him back to live in Heaven with his dead cat Snuggles that was run over by a snowmobile when he was a boy? No! I’m probably on my way to a meeting, I don’t have time to sit down and think about that kind of crap. I’ve got a shit ton of stuff to do. The most you’ll get out of me is a firm “You OK there buddy?” Followed by a sympathetic “Ok man. You’re gonna be just fine. Hang in there. I’ve gotta run.”

I think religion is for people that aren’t so busy. Me… I’m fucking busy. Plus I figure there’s a bunch of real dumb ass holes who believe in shit like God. Assuming he does exist, by the time I get there he’ll probably let me take some kind of exam at the gate to get in or something. I mean, I can understand how it takes that stupid fat bitch at church her whole life to earn a spot up there… but I’m a bright kid, I’m sure I can test out.

-e

2004-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Picture Booth

I guess sometimes you meet people who give you a new perspective on where you want to go with your life by giving you insight into where, but more interestingly who, you actually are. I guess that when you really pay attention you can see yourself like a funhouse reflection in these other people, but always distorted and disproportional, exaggerated and stretched in ways you aren't but in ways you could be and have been.

This last week was like a string of picture booth photos I took with my friends.

-e

2003-12-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

IANAL

Copyright Infringement. I wish you were rich, cause I'd take everything... EVERYTHING!

-e

2003-12-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

Orange Alert

I know this is going to sound horrible. Iâ€™m sure a lot of people might misunderstand where Iâ€™m coming from on this, but I feel like itâ€™s an interesting reaction and one that may or may not be worth exploring.

I got really excited when the news broke that we were on Orange Alert and an attack might be eminent. But not giddy, happy excited. More like anticipation excitement. At first I felt kind of nervous as pictures of burning cities and exploding planes flashed across my mind. But that anxiety turned into curiosity. I wanted to hear â€œexpertsâ€� speculate wildly and at great length about what kinds of possible threats there were. I wanted the terrorists to hurry up and get on with it.

Maybe itâ€™s a sick fascination with the entertainment value of news coverage. Because thatâ€™s what news has become, an ultimate reality show that, unlike network reality TV has the capacity to show humanity engaged in itâ€™s worst, most primal state, a feat that would be legally impossible for the networks to reproduce. Network reality TV is an empty faÃ§ade, a fraudulent reality, a reality commercial. But the news is where the real goods are at. Sometimes itâ€™s even better than reality.

Our lives have become so useless, so meaningless, a flavorless flat tasteless meal, that we look to these manufactured prepackaged 150 calorie Reality TV Dinners for nourishment. And itâ€™s junk food. Itâ€™s nothing good for us. Itâ€™s terrorist attacks and duct tape. Itâ€™s celebrity scandal and political opportunism. But God help me if itâ€™s more exciting than sitting in this office all day, if I donâ€™t come to work every day and wish that something catastrophic would happen so that I might be forced to accomplish something real. Survival has become a way of not getting fired, of keeping the chains firmly attached from my desk to my arm, and no longer has anything to do with preserving my life. And I sit here, drowning in banality, largely unaffected by a world falling apart, secretly wishing for it to get worse so that I can have a â€œSpecial Coverageâ€� to watch.

Itâ€™s ironic that news blames video games for child violence in one breath and then repeatedly shows video of a grown man with a gun attacking a defenseless lawyer in the next. The News whoâ€™s programming delivers us hours and hours of intimate pictures of the devastation reeked by suicide bombers, images of car jackers blowing their brains out live, fist fights, riots, protests, training camps, military occupation, presidential address and/or taped statements by terrorist leaders, the News who has the gall to then hire a panel of experts to muse on the roots of violence in our society. And all they can come up with is Grand Theft Auto?

Iâ€™m addicted to the news. Once something happens I want more to happen. When Saddam was captured, I never wanted it to end. It was better than a movie. It was just like watching a TV show except I didnâ€™t have to suspend my disbelief because it really happened. And now weâ€™re on Orange Alert. When I saw the breaking news bulletin I got my little fix. A little taste of the excitement. But the anticipation lingers. And as it turns out thereâ€™s no finality to reality. Itâ€™s the holy grail of TV franchises because it will never end, it can only get more interesting. I hate being such a pig. Itâ€™s a terrible way to feel about everything thatâ€™s happening, other peoples suffering, but there is a distance in this country created by a need to cushion ourselves from life outside our TVâ€™s. Weâ€™re all guilty. We all know it. We all just want something to happen. And unfortunately it probably will.

-e

2003-12-19T13:39:00.000-08:00

Nervous

Sometimes I get really nervous when I have to use the urinal and somebody else is standing right there next to me. What can I say, I just donâ€™t like it. The worst was when I was in England and you had to pee in a trough. It was basically just a big metal bucket and you stood there with a bunch of guys and peed in it.

Now being a guy does make pissing a lot more fun because, letâ€™s face it, you can piss on anything. Even the ceiling if you can find a good enough reason (and even in you canâ€™t!). You know, guys could just all stand around in a circle and pee in a hole if we felt like it. Shit, if we really wanted to we could stand next to each other, pee in the air and try to â€œCross the Streamsâ€� like in Ghost Busters. But that doesnâ€™t mean that we SHOULD god damn do it! Jesus, letâ€™s have some decency.

So weâ€™re left with urinals, divided by a tiny little wall that goes up to our shoulders. You might as well hold hands with the guy next to you because youâ€™re that close.

The worst part is it feels like some kind of race. You and some other guy pull up to the urinals at the same time, you unzip and the race begins. The two of you just stand there, silently, awkwardly, waiting. Itâ€™s unnerving. And I never pee first! And that guy knows it because he can totally hear whatâ€™s happening, so he stands there with that fucking cocky smirk on his face pissing like itâ€™s the easiest thing in the whole god damn world. Just pissinâ€™ away!

Iâ€™ve tried all kinds of things to get over I: staring at the wall, humming a song, reading a book. Nothing works. But now I think Iâ€™ve got it. See, the trick is to psyche the OTHER guy out. You just got to start talking to him. When you hear him unzip, you just got to start in with the questions.

â€œHey, how â€˜bout that fucking slut over in cube 12a. Sheâ€™s fucking hot. Mother fuckinâ€™ hot. Iâ€™d send her an e-mail if you know what I mean.â€�

See, you gotta talk about how hot the temps are using thinly veiled office innuendo so the guy doesnâ€™t think your gay or anything. By now heâ€™s pretty psyched out, and Iâ€™m running dry. Congratulations, I just kicked his ass.

Maybe I need to cut back on the caffeine.

-e

2003-12-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

Things and Stuff

So according to this article over at the BBC, Police are setting up fake web sites to catch pedophiles. Do you think that theyâ€™ll be able to actually use images of children on the web site? That would be like trying to trap somebody in a drug sting without showing them any drugs. I mean, If I were a pedophile, and I went to a web site looking for pictures of children between the ages of 8 and 10, brown hair, athletic build, with glassesâ€¦ I like the ones where theyâ€™re doing something normal, maybe reading or eating dinnerâ€¦ uhâ€¦ and the website I went to just asked for my personal information and didnâ€™t have any pics or anything, I would totally know it was run by cops. Not that I would know something like thatâ€¦ orâ€¦ well, you get the idea. If I were the cops I would save some time and just look here. Or here.

Also in the newsâ€¦

It is kind of fucked up that we captured Saddam Hussein. I mean, have you all really sat down and thought about this? The United States of America, having not been directly attacked, flew across the ocean and walked into another sovereign country, destroyed itâ€™s military, toppled itâ€™s government, took over, and pulled itâ€™s former leader out of a hole putting him in jail. I meanâ€¦ thatâ€™s pretty crazy. Nobody asked us to do it. In fact, a lot of people didnâ€™t want us to do it. But we did it anyway.

Try and imagine this. A foreign power flies across the ocean and invades America (yea right). They topple Washington, take over our government, and run Bush out of office. They find him, six months later at a Ranch in Texas where they capture him and throw him in Jail. Then they give a press conference from the Rose Garden. Could you imagine seeing a former US president in chains, a foreign power giving press conferences from the white house? How totally fucked up would that be? Itâ€™s got to be a head trip for those guys over there. I canâ€™t even imagine.

I went costume shopping last night. It went pretty well. The whole thing is going to be a very close call, but I feel like Iâ€™m going to be able to pull it off and Itâ€™ll actually turn out to be pretty cool. Iâ€™m having to focus and concentrate on the main themes of the design, while almost totally skipping any kind of time/period consistence. Fortunately the show lends itself to a timeless quality. I feel like my job is more like of an image management position rather than a Costume Designer. Iâ€™m an Image consultant for the characters. Ha. Thatâ€™s an interesting way to look at it. Thereâ€™s something different about what Iâ€™m doing now and what I did in college. I canâ€™t quite put my finger on it, but thereâ€™s a difference out here in the wild. Iâ€™m surprised how much Iâ€™m using the skills I learned in school, Iâ€™m just having to adapt them to a whole different set of situations and variables that didnâ€™t exist in the lab.

-e

2003-12-17T10:48:00.000-08:00

Counter Strike

Well, my Counter Strike Review doesn't get a flashy picture on the top of the page, but It's there. I really like this one. I hope you do to.

-e

2003-12-16T15:56:00.000-08:00

What the…?

Check out this article over at the BBC.

For those of you who can’t read, allow me to summarize: apparently Cardinal Renato Martino over at the Vatican said of Saddam Hussein, "Seeing him like this, a man in his tragedy, despite all the heavy blame he bears, I had a sense of compassion for him,” regarding the US treatment of the former Iraqi Dictator/Tyrant/President/Metro Sexual.

So let me get this straight. The Vatican feels pity for the deposed dictator because he… uh, because why again? Because of the “tragedy” that befell him? So you feel sorry for him because he spent 35 years racking up human rights violations, killing thousands of innocent Iraqi’s, attempting Genocide, starting two wars, and generally acting like a fag only to be disgraced like this by the US military?! Yea, and we probably made him shave his vagina as well. I must have missed that clip on CNN. You know, it’s not our fault the guy looks worse than an 8 year old boy after summer camp at the Vatican.

You know who I feel sorry for? I feel sorry for all the little children that had to swallow Cardinal Renato’s hard holy cock.

Doesn’t it seem ironic that the Vatican would stick up for one of the biggest ass holes on earth, but they can’t bring themselves to talk about all the little children that will be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives because Filthy Priests can’t keep their hands out of the proverbial cookie jar. And by cookie jar I’m talking about little boy’s pants. It’s disgraceful. But the thing that really gets me is nobody points this out in the media. I mean… so what! They’re the Vatican, who cares?! It’s a bunch of fags that run around in robes and pretend to believe in invisible people with wings who come down from the sky and… I don’t know… play the harp and cure athletes foot or some shit. They’re all insane and I can’t come up with any reason why we still take them fucking seriously. Yea, I guess it’s real easy to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein when you’re sitting on a throne, having a choir boy massage your dick with his tonsils. Real easy.

On a side note… I mentioned earlier that Saddam Hussein was a Metro Sexual. Indeed, I believe this to be true. In fact, I believe that Metro Sexuality is a common theme among dictators. Do you think Hitler’s mustache got that way by accident. No my friends, it was by design. Have you taken a gander at Kim Jong Il lately. Yea. Metro Sexual. Look at that hair, those glasses. He’s totally straight, but easily mistaken for a fag. Saddam Hussein was the same way. He accessorized. Have you seen his famous sunglasses? How about all those uniforms he was into. And the pistols and rifles! Come on. The man had golden toilets. What kind of guy do you know who indulges his feminine side like Saddam Hussein with all his fancy Palaces. You know he decorated those himself right? Total Metro Sexual. I’m convinced.

Maybe that’s what Cardinal Renato was talking about when he refereed to Saddam’s Tragedy. Maybe he felt sorry for him because he understood how torn apart Saddam was going to be when he realized they showed him on TV before he had primped. I mean, I’m sure Cardinal Renato doesn’t leave the house before he gets his balls good and licked by some kid every morning, so how can you expect Saddam to be in top form before getting a good make over. If Cardinal Renato wasn’t such a child molesting pedophile then maybe he could be a Metro Sexual to.

-e

2003-12-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

Reviews for my site!

I can't believe so many people like me.

-e

2003-12-12T09:15:00.000-08:00

Meetings

You know what I love about meetings? I love that everybody brings a pad of paper and a pen, but never uses either of them. It's the funniest thing. We all want to look "professional" and "pro active" so we bring a piece of paper and a pen in case we need to jot something down. The problem is that this implies something will be said that's important enough to write down which, in my experience, has never been the case. It's all a sham.

Tonight we have a big christmas party. I didn't really want to go. I mean, the F*ck do I care about these people? But if I go I get to leave work at 1 O'clock. I'm gonna go for like 4 minutes. Merry F*cking christmas ass holes.

-e

2003-12-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

Busy as F*ck

Hey kids. I'm dippin' back in here for a minute because I feel bad about not updating for close to an eternity. I've been busy as hell lately. As you know I've been doing costume design and stage management for this play, The Illusion. But I've recently started writing a show for the theater as well. Between all that and work I don't have much time. I do have a little, but I spend most of that sitting in my room pretending I have a girlfriend. It's fun. I recommed it.

You know, I've been watching a lot of this Iraq stuff lately. It occurs to me that all this hippie nonsense about imperialization is a total load. It doesn't make any sense. But what does make cents is reconstruction. Look at what's happening. All the pro war countries are getting a piece of the 19 billion in reconstruction money. All the anti war countries are getting a fat dick in their mouth. It isn't about war, it's about reconstruction money. Industry needs something to do. We figured we could knock out a tyranical despot, level a country's infrastructure, then hire ourselves to go rebuild it. All in one shot we get rid of a bad guy, we get to test out all kinds of new army equipment, the military industry gets a huge economic boost, the rest of our industry from telcom to oil gets a huge economic boost, we position ourselves militarily and politically right smack dab in the middle of the middle east securing our oil interests and protecting Isreal all at the same time. Same thing with Afganistan. It's a huge power play that revolves around rebuilding. I really don't think it's all about oil. I think it's about reconstruction. you can spread more money to more industry that way. just my thoughts. I could be wrong.

Also, a new review is up over at Etoychest. This time I'm reviewing Project Gotham Racing 2. I took some serious liberty with this review. I wonder if it worked.

-e

2003-12-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

New Review up at Etoychest

Check out my new The Haunted Mansion review over at Etoychest.org! This one is an amusing, if not revealing romp through my shattered psyche as well as an honest review of a less than brilliant game. Don't forget to sign up for the forums or click on the links so that we can make some money. Suppor your local game reviewer!

I got Counter Strike and Project Gotham Racing2 in the mail yesterday. I'm going to have some reviews up on those in the next few weeks when I can get some time. PGR2 is amazing... i'll go ahead and say that right now.

I just found out that I won't be getting any costumes for free for the show that I'm doing. looks like we're going to have to spend some money or get creative. I'm sure it'll work out. If worse comes to worse, I'll just have all the girls in the show sit on my face. It's worked in the past, by God!

-e

2003-11-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

Let’s talk Turkey, Let’s talk Videogames.

Haven’t blogged all week. I know how keenly aware of my absence you have been because my inbox is chalk full of support from well wishers who, during my brief sabbatical, have taken a time of reflection and realized of how much, in fact, they need me. And I understand. I need me too. I appreciated the flowers you sent, but this round of well wishing was conspicuously free of any nude photos of young and attractive women. I thought we had this discussion before: You may send me naked photographs of yourself if you are attractive and female. I’m glad we took some time to clear this up because I will be hugely disappointed if my inbox continues to lack the nubile, honey flavored images I have come to depend on for my man-sustenance. Thank you.

I hope everybody had a great thanksgiving. I did. I have found that thanksgiving, as most holidays, is better spent with friends than family. For some reason my family always has some kind of conflict. My mom turns into a neurotic tornado, with gusts of mental illness up to 150 miles per hour. Much like a South Florida Hurricane is fed by warm waters, my mom’s ever crumbling state of mental health is fed by the rest of my family’s varying sates of mental distress. Having a holiday with just your friends is a whole different affair. Everybody cooks something, you all hang out and get drunk, there’s never any bickering and nobody cares about the trivial things that may or may not go wrong. And I think it boils down to this. Families get together because they have to. Nobody wants to spend time with their family. Most families don’t even like each other. You get together with your friends because you want to. You all have established relationships and you enjoy each other’s company. Either way, I didn’t have to pay for thanksgiving dinner so I guess I don’t really care who I spent it with.

I broke down and bought myself a new videogame. God help me. I have a problem.

I got Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne this week. Holy crap. I know there’s only one person who actually cares about my endless rants on gaming and his Xbox is broken, so I’m not sure if this will apply to any of you but… This is, in my mind, the perfect game. This one really blows me away. It is the benchmark. It is what games will look like in 5 years when everybody catches up. This game is interactive art.

I think the best part about this game is the story. It has a real story. It’s a movie. You play the part of Max Payne, a NY city police detective. Your wife and child were murdered in the first game and you had to find out who the killers were. Now your back at it again, but this time its much darker. Much darker. It’s hard to get into how good this story is, but it is like watching a movie. Part of it plays out in graphic novel style comic panels, and some of it is in game cut scenes. But their use of playable dream sequences, flashbacks, and scripted story elements in the game make it a huge step closer to the interactive movie feel that games have been promising for so long.

The other aspect of the story that I love is the content. This is a mature game. It treats the story like a real R rated story and doesn’t pull any punches. I appreciate that. At first it’s a little shocking to hear the video game curse, and to see a halve naked girl in the game. But then I realized it’s only shocking because all the games we play are totally neutered. Nobody has the balls to make a real adult story and realistically integrate the content into the game so that it feels right, and not like you are gratuitously trying to shock people. But this game does. And this game does it right.

The other best part about this game is the physics engine they have in there. Oh man! When you shoot people, the really fall down and hit things. They look like little rag dolls as you gun them down a flight of stairs or over a third story balcony. To be honest, It’s the most addicting thing I’ve ever played. I can’t stop shooting them because It’s so fun to watch them die! Sometimes I’ll play a level two or three times because every time it’s different. You might blow a guy off a ledge one time, watching him bounce off the scaffolding below, or he might take a dive down a flight of stairs, his limbs flying hilariously like a well paid stunt man. I think it might even be better than shooting real people.

Yea, this game really has it all. If you get a chance to pick it up, do yourself a favor. If not for the action, then get it for the story. I’m very pleased with it, and I know you will be two.

On a side not, Next weekend I will be learning how to ride a motorcycle. I hope it doesn’t kill me.

-e

2003-11-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

On The Media and Michael

I’m watching the news this morning, as is my custom before I leave for work, and the topic of the day is kiddie diddling at the Neverland Ranch. Sounds like the title of a made for TV movie if I’ve ever heard one. And it is. Regardless, the media appear to have spent the last few weeks holed up in a meth lab, waiting for some kind of huge story to break, the whole while consuming huge quantities of powerful stimulants and conserving their hyperactive Adult ADD powers for this very special occasion. And now, like those horrible spectacles where they make retarded kids run around a track… what is it call… oh yea, The Special Olympics, the reports have been turned loose and given a license to film. It is war out here in California. Baghdad might know the impressive might of the U.S. military, but they have never seen the fury of a news media hunting a pedophile superstar.

One reporter this morning assured me, the viewer, that “EVERY bus stop, train station and airport in the Santa Barbra area was being staked out with camera crews.” Last night I turned on the news to see a “Breaking News” bulletin screaming at me from the top of the screen. Below was an image, taken from a helicopter, of a private jet landing on a runway. My first thought was “Holy lord, there’s some kind of bomb. Something’s going on!” All 3 stations were covering it, after all. Turns out it was just a private jet that they believed had Michael Jackson on it. And it didn’t even have MJ on it. You would have thought the world was ending. Absurd.

I’m feeling totally conflicted about the Michael Jackson kiddie diddling scandle. On the one hand I kinda want to see MJ go to jail… just cause he’s so fucking rich and weird. Come on. You guys know you would secretly (or not so secretly) want to see some dude in prison get a really rich, pretty girlfriend like Michael. Those guys in there go through a lot and they deserve a break once in a while. And Michael would make a great prison trophy wife. But on the other hand, I’m so fucking fuck fuck fucked fucking sick of the media that I want the whole god damn thing to be over and done with so that I don’t have to watch these god damn fucking fuck shit fuck cunt reporters jerk themselves off on camera and then go home and jerk themselves off again thinking they just did society some kind of a favor by indulging themselves in their own importance.

To be honest, I don’t know which is worse: A child molesting monster or a rabid self indulgent media circus.

(sigh)

I’m gonna go… I’m gonna go huff some drugs.

-e

2003-11-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

eToychest Review

I have a featured review up at eToyChest. It's the Crimson Skies one. Also, eToychest just got on gamerankings.com so it would appear that what I choose to rank a game now has some kind of pull. Just need to start getting paid for it, quit my job, and marry Sandra Bullock.

-e

Update: Fucking Work blocked me from getting to gamerankings.com. God Damnit.

2003-11-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

Drive to Work

Los Angeles traffic, California traffic, is like a living breathing thing. It’s moody and passionate, and when you fall out of favor with it, you will know that it’s contempt for you is unrepentant. 5 lanes of interstate highway will come to a dead stop, on ramps will overflow and the thin black mist of a thousand thousand automobiles will waft into the sky like a sinner reaching up toward heaven but falling desperately short of salvation. And there you will sit. Your life is on hold. You are immobile. No matter how you try to reconcile your new state of incapacity, a feeling of captivity will slowly creep into your mind. It starts when you realize that you’re trapped on the freeway. Trapped. There are no exits, there are no places to pull over and there is no escape. For as far as you can see, you can see nothing but cars. All of them trapped like you. You realize then that you are, not only on the freeway, but also trapped in your car. It becomes smaller than any car you’ve ever been in. Everything begins to scrape at your mind. You check your gas gauge and begin to worry about what would happen if you broke down. The sun bakes the pavement underneath you. There is nothing on the radio. You begin to fanaticize about the cause of your torment. You keep your mind busy by imagining the unimaginable scenes of death and carnage that have spread themselves across the highway, scenes that must certainly lie ahead of you. You imagine blood. You picture giant statues of twisted metal burning. A woman cries next to the remains of her dead husband. A child lies mangled by the side of the road, forgotten. You inch forward, one thought at a time. Then, in a final, terrible show of malice the traffic clears suddenly and completely. You drive by a tow truck and a dented car. Fender bender. The only tears shed were your own, the only death was your sanity.

-e

2003-11-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

E. H. McGregor – PROFESSIONAL Video Game Reviewer

It’s official. I’ve got my first review up at eToyChest.org If I can critique myself… I’m not totally happy with it. I need to figure out a good consistent style. There are some funny things in there, but I don’t think the bit about the prom works. However, the New Coke and slap bracelet references more than make up for it. Hopefully my Crimson Skies piece will be up next week. I think that one went a little better. I’ve noticed that some of the reviews on the site are a little dry and I’ve taken it upon myself to try and “sex it up” a little bit. Which isn’t hard because I’m so DAMN sexy. Oh, by the way, if you go to eToyChest click on some of the links to their advertisers. It helps them make a little money. Thanks.

I’ve been talking a lot about videogames lately, and with good reason. But I’d like to dip into some politics for a second. I was reading the NY Times this weekend when I saw a piece about Hillary Clinton. I didn’t read it. But I didn’t read it for two very good reasons. The first, and not the least of which, is that I have a very primal and violent reaction to the face and voice of Hillary Clinton. Party affiliations aside, Politics aside, everything else not withstanding, I believe that Hillary Clinton may in fact be the Devil. I have never seen another human who comes across as being more fake, more predatory, or more damn Evil than Senator Clinton. I get this reaction from my gut. I’m afraid of her. And I know that anything she says in public is probably not what she really thinks, is not what she really intends to do, and is being said for reasons that are not anything she wants us to find out about. She is bad news and I find her image both repulsive and strangely arousing.

The Second reason I didn’t read the article is because I’m truly scared to read any news about Hillary Clinton. I’m afraid for the same reason that I’m afraid to read about the next J Lo Movie… Because I know that It’s not going to be good for anybody, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I have no ability to prevent Hilary Clinton from running for office or influencing the course of our nation. I can’t write her a note asking her to please shut the fuck up. I can’t IM her and as her what the fuck is so fucking wrong with her. And I certainly can’t shoot her yet. All I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch the Media love her and not call her on any of her bullshit pandering. I know she is going to run for President. And that makes me uneasy. What would our country be like? It’s just not a good thought.

Not like our country is in great shape now. We getting our rights stripped from us. Things are getting out of hand. This DMCA and copyright shit is out of control. The Patriot Act is looking pretty bad too. I was reading this thing over the weekend about professional protesters. These are the guys that do the whole WTO and G8 protests. They’re the people that got into it up in Seattle. And I really think they may have some good points. They sort of embody the voice of the common guy if the common guy had any idea what was going on. But they’re fighting these struggles and they’ll never win because I don’t think you can defeat the establishment like that. We’ve got over a hundred years of industrial ‘Old Money’ running the world. Nobody gives a shit about a few thousand hippies running around throwing rocks. But these protesters are showing, more and more, the point where our world will fall in on itself. It’s the point where technology allows industry to consume and completely control the rights of the little guy. We are on track for an Orwellian future but one that is far more sinister than what fiction has let us to believe. In all the books the police state of the future was an intimidating, scary place. But in reality it will look like Times Square: flashy, fun, bright. You’ll want to live there. And you will. But you will never own any of it. You will never be apart of it. You will simply pay a subscription fee to be part of society. You will pay for your rights out of your own pocket. You will pay for possessions that you will not own and you will purchase things that promise you freedom but will keep track of you where ever you go. None of us will be free, and the irony is that we’ll pay to be prisoners.

Is it because there will be to much at stake for the people in charge? Too much money to divide up between the rest of us. They’ll need it all for themselves and leave us to pay the bills. It can only go on for so long before we reject their bullshit. Look at the music industry. We know its fucked and so we don’t buy it anymore. How long before that starts to apply to society as a whole. I hate to be the one to say it but… The end is neigh kids, sell your stocks.

-e

2003-11-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

Can't wait

My next game console will apparently be a SUPERCOMPUTER!

Take that North Dakota!

-e

2003-11-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

Friday Fucking Fuck Fuck Video Game Review

I really wish I would have had a stronger mail role model in my life when I was going up. I’ve realized the importance of that. When I’m a dad, I’m not going to fuck around. My kid is getting beat. Flat out. I don’t want him growing up to be a pussy like me.

So I’ve been running these auditions for this play that I’m working on lately. Brian (my room mate) is directing and I’m going to be doing costumes and stage managing. The point is that I got to watch a bunch of dumb whores audition and it was pretty funny. My favorite was the little girl who came in an said:

“Um… So I downloaded my monologue off the internet today. Is that alright?”

and…

“Uh… So I don’t have a picture… I mean headshot. And I didn’t get a monologue. Do you have anything for me to read?”

Wow. Fucking stupid. Funny as hell though.

I don’t know how this costume design thing is going to work. It’s all kind of up in the air right now. It doesn’t matter what kind of research I do because I won’t be able to actually make the costumes. I’m just going to have to go buy stuff at good will or whatever. So It seems that all my training is bullshit because I’m on a budget and I have no resources and spending 10 hours a day in the library drawing is a total waste of time. But don’t worry, I’ve got a good handle on it. I’ve got a big ass, I’m sure I’ll be able to pull something out of it.

I gotta go take a crap… hold on.

I’m back.

So it seems that eToyChest.org has signed me on as an official reviewer. I’ve submitted 2 reviews and they are in the process of being edited! Finally somebody has recognized me for the videogame grand master that I am. They have even reportedly mailed me a game to play and review! It’s going to be some crappy game called Haunted Mansion, but I don’t give a fuck. I’ll fucking play it. I’ll post a link to my review when It’s up. But eToychest.org is actually a pretty cool site. They’re just starting out so maybe my legions of dedicated fans (that means you dear reader) will make their site huge. I’m counting on you.

Hey, speaking of videogames. I got True Crime: Streets of LA. I gotta say, it’s not bad. Some parts are bad, but I’m actually really enjoying it. Unfortunately the game looks pretty crappy by current standards. If this game had come out 2 years ago it would have been pretty impressive. But this is not 2 years ago. Well, I guess pretty crappy is going a little to far. The character models are really good. But everything else is a little wanting. The worst part about the game is the camera. Wow. It sucks. It looks like they spent a whole lot of time working out how to make it suck more and more. And they succeeded. But aside from that and the occasional glitch here and there it does end up being pretty fun. The story is great, and Christopher Walken is in it!

I like the idea of a good cop / bad cop meter and the free roam crime solving time is a nice addition. The fighting system is pretty cool and I like how you can unlock new stuff. It makes the game a lot more interesting. Overall, I really think they took the GTA formula in the right direction, but maybe if they would have put in a little extra overtime this game would have been amazing instead of regrettable because all we’ll ever remember about it was it’s potential. If they came out with a sequel and promised that they fixed all the stupid problems with this game I would definitely play it. But this game is worth a rent. It’s pretty fun. The story and excellent voice acting make it really engaging.

So fuck you guys.

-e

2003-11-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Big Rumor!

Holy Crap! The internet is literally on fire with rumors of an impending HALO 2 release!

To sum up...

Microsoft might be releasing a Halo2 demo in LESS THAN A WEEK! Followed by the actual game on NOVEMBER 28th!!!! Apparently regional managers have been recieving calls to get ready for total chaos on November 15th (the 2 year aniversery of Xbox and the 1 year aniversary of Xbox Live!).

Halo2 Promotional material has apparently been shipped.

Can this be true?!

Decide for Yourself.

-e

2003-11-10T08:15:00.000-08:00

New Car, Rewarding Experiences

I took the plunge and bought a new used car. It’s actually really nice, but I don’t think the CD player plays burned CD’s. Which is a real shame, because all I own are burned CD’s. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Jesus for careful and unique use of spiteful irony in my life. I really appreciate all the work you put into it. But seriously… The car is really, really nice and I’m pretty lucky to have gotten a decent deal on it.

I have yet to get a BJ in the back seat. Here’s to the future!

I worked all day at the theater on Saturday. It was really rewarding work. For some reason it was never as rewarding at school. But now that I don’t have professors and principals and all the hullabaloo, Doing it on your own has proven to be really awesome. I kept thinking I wish I could just do this all day. We built a set, cut some masonite, and sanded some drywall. It felt really good. And I’ve discovered the beauty of power tools. They’re fucking awesome! I really like screwing shit together and using a saber saw to cut some other shit up and then using the radial saw to saw it up some more! And then at the end of the night when your all done, you can look at the really crappy set you just built and puff your chest out and scream at the top of your lungs, “I FUCKING BUILT THAT!”

Yea, the set is a piece of shit. But that doesn’t have anything to do with my fine craftsmanship. It has to do with the fat community theater chump who is doing a play at the theater. Man… what a tool. He’s one of those people who is also fat on the inside. So there you go.

I bought True Crime: Streets of LA this weekend. Expect a full on review for Friday. I’ve got a lot to say about it. I won’t get into it now because I need to let the game simmer for a while. Marinate, if you will. I now have 150 dollars in Best Buy gift money and I think I’m going to spend it all on games. I’m debating the GTA double pack. I feel like I should get it so that when my kids ask me about the most important video game from this era I can let them play the GTA series. Plus I haven’t played Vice City yet. I hear it’s good. I enjoyed GTA, so I might as well. Not for me mind you… for the kids.

-e

2003-11-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

Life After The Matrix

The reviews have been undeniably bad. Anybody with internet access seems to find this movie a total let down. You would think that The Brothers had failed and Zion was lost after all.

I read a lot of reviews and my heart sank. But I had my 4 O’clock IMAX ticket and I still had to see it. You know, Reloaded wasn’t my favorite movie. I found it entertaining, but It seemed to lack something that the first one had. It was hard to explain, but Reloaded just didn’t give me what I came there to see. I wasn’t sure what it was that I wanted, but Reloaded was shooting blanks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to cut the Brothers a lot of slack because I think the Matrix universe is one of the best sci fi universes ever created, and I did enjoy Reloaded. It just didn’t give me that ‘Holy Fuck’ feeling the first one did. It was a more intellectual movie with a lot of interesting philosophical threads that just gave you a whole bunch to mull over. And I thought the burly brawl was a little over hyped.

The Matrix Revolutions is not the First movie. The first movie is a fresh and brilliant ticket to a whole new kind of Sci Fi movie. It’s about fate and chance and purpose. It’s a story of discovery, which draws the audience into a world they have never seen and from which the audience never wants to return.

The Matrix Revolutions is not the Second Movie either. Reloaded was an exploration of choice and consequence. It was slower and at times and it seemed a little unfocused. At points it even seemed a little over ambitions. Reloaded kept moving us toward Zion. It kept building up the battle. It raised a lot of questions and just left us hanging. Where the first movie felt very human, Reloaded often felt cold and distant.

The Matrix Revolutions is, however, a fucking kick ass Science Fiction comic book Action movie. After all the crappy reviews, and all the disenchanted mumblings on the web, I sat down for 2 hours and was thoroughly entertained. I left the theater feeling like I got everything I wanted. I’m going to talk about the action, and then the story. Allow me to explain:

I only wanted two things out of this movie. I wanted the battle for Zion to be the biggest, baddest, most hard core thing I’d ever seen on film. And I wanted a jaw dropping final fight between Neo and Smith. I felt like the Brothers got the memo and squeezed out every ounce of talent they could to get that shit right.

The battle for Zion is far and away the most amazing and exhilarating sequence I’ve ever seen. (please don’t call me on Lord of the Rings. I feel like that is equally as exhilarating and amazing, just in a different way.) This battle gave me, quite literally, everything I had dreamed of. I was right there with those people. The special effects were so good that, I think on a subconscious level, I knew I was watching something computer generated, but my mind was hypnotized into believing it was really happening. This can not be overstated. They really did shit in this sequence that I was not prepared for and I feel like that is the hallmark of a classic movie. It was a “Holy Fuck” moment in Film history.

Not only that, but they built in a level of suspense to the Zion battle. *Spoiler* we all knew that Morpheus was going to make it just in time with the EMP, but by god it was thrilling to watch them pilot that ship though the tunnels. And the bit where the kid gets into the armor and blows the door… that’s fucking quality. *End Spoiler* It feels like the finale of a film, but just as in Reloaded, they kept bringing it on.

The Final Fight with Agent Smith is without a doubt the classiest, most beautiful, emotional fight scene of all three movies. This is the ultimate comic book fight. It’s Superman, It’s Spiderman, It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to see on film. This fight scene was made with love. The Brothers love this scene. And they got it right. You can’t beat drama like this either… *Spoiler* Neo is fighting the Super powerful Smith for the fate of humanity. Here’s this guy, just this regular guy, who believes. And he is wagering his life, his beliefs, his faith in himself and his faith in humanity against the utter annihilation of human kind. That’s god damn Drama. That’s quality. */End Spoiler* Visually, this fight is total class. It’s the tuxedo of fight scenes. Yes, it’s a special effects heavy scene. But I feel like the effects are actually used as a filmmaking technique. Much like special lighting, or a moving camera can illicit a mood or a feeling in the audience, I feel like the effects in this scene really helped me feel the importance. The fight happens in hyperbole… exaggerated visual metaphors. I felt like I was really watching two gods battle for the soul of humanity in a live action comic book. Awesome.

To be honest, I don’t even remember much of the first 3rd of the movie. They talked about things and the Oracle said some stuff… But once shit started to go down in Zion It’s like it didn’t even matter. Which I think is what really pissed a lot of people off. I was willing to just go with it. But to answer the critics… A lot of people felt that it didn’t tie up the philosophy of the first and second. I disagree. We see the final evolution of the Christ Metaphor. We finally get an answer to the big Reloaded question, “Why?” The answer is because… We Choose To. A lot of people might find that anti-climatic. They might feel like it skirts the whole philosophy of the Matrix. But I feel like it encompasses the difference between man and machine and it does it in an elegant and open ended way. Why do we live? Because we choose to live. This has far reaching implications in the matrix philosophy. It’s the point at which the machines loose their advantage. It’s that choice, that red or blue pill, that defines us. That choice to live or die is what makes us human and the one thing that the machines will never be able to take away.

This movie deals with faith. It’s interesting to note that the belief in The One has now evolved into a belief in Neo. Reloaded showed us that a belief system is easily exploited. The idea of believing in the self AND a savior figure seem to marry two fundamental ideals in Christianity and Buddhism. Humanity needs a savior. But It can’t come at the expense of a false belief system. Neo represents a marriage between both Buddha and Christ. A religion of faith in the self. I think they did a very elegant job of bringing that out.

If I have to be critical of anything, I think there were a few scenes that came off a little cheesy. I wouldn’t go so far as to say the dialogue was bad, but… In some scenes I’ve heard better. A few scenes were a little slow. And I didn’t get some of what they said. But that’s par for the course on a Matrix film. You have to see these movies at least 3 times. This one is no exceptions.

But overall the pacing was great. I felt it was even better than Reloaded. It basically gets chopped up into 3 story lines, and we follow each one without loosing focus on the movie as a whole.

I don’t know why people are “disappointed” here. I think this movie is just as exciting as the first one. It’s the finale. It’s the big battle. It’s the philosophical last chapter.

Maybe the irony is that The Brothers delivered a movie that ends on it’s own terms, the same kind of philosophy of film making that won them a place in our hearts to begin with. People loved the first one because it broke all the rules and defied expectations. And they end up hating this one because it refused to stick to the classic big budget action movie ending. A lot of people asked me if we get to see everybody “waking up” from the matrix. I think that’s what people expected. But the ending proves much more complicated than that. This movie is about a quest for peace, and the freedom of the human race. And in the end all the prophecies were fulfilled And The Brothers do everything they told us they would do. The movie delivered. It just may not have delivered exactly what people expected it to. And for me, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

-e

2003-11-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

and then the robots will come

Seeing as how today is the opening of the final installment ofThe Matrix, I should talk a little about the role that robots will inevitably play in our lives.

Who are these Robots?

We think about robots as tools, things that will flip our burgers or build us cars or maybe serve us drinks one day. That’s cute. It’s so 20th century to think of robots doing neat human things, with their neat robot hands. We look at robots like we look at seals or puppy dogs when they do a trick. First we laugh and clap, then we throw them a treat and go on with our lives.

Robots are not cute.

Robots are machines. They are unconstrained by petty organic limitations like hunger or emotion. They will never give up. And pathetic human weapons will not be able to stop them (just like we learned in the first terminator movie). They will be smarter, more organized, and more ruthless in pursuit of their goals than we ever will.

We should elect robots as our leaders. (?)

Having seen both The Terminator and The Matrix trilogies, it becomes clear that we can’t set up the robots to work against us. It won’t be healthy for either party. What we need to do is have the robots work for us. Channel their machine like dedication to problem solving into a positive solution for humanity. We need them in an administrative position. We need the coordinated world effort of an unbiased third party to audit our economies and balance our political systems. We need the Robots to Govern us.

What are you some kind of communist?

No. I’m a Robotamalist. Robotamalism is kind of like Communism, except It’s based on Capitalism and run by Robots! You see, humans can only be trusted to manage an economic system on a medium to small scale. We just can’t be left unattended with an entire World economy. So the Robots will manage the planet’s finances on a macro level as well as manage federal and state economies (We’ve already got one working on California!) People will still have the freedom to start a business and fulfill any kind of local economic need, but the important stuff will be left to robots. Major corporations will have to relinquish most, if not all of their multinational status because the robots will need to shift quite a bit of infrastructure around to begin with. But after things get settled it should all run like clockwork.

I want whatever it is that you’re smoking.

I’m not smoking anything! It just makes perfect sense on it’s own. The machines will need something to do. And they’ll really have only 2 options once we build them. Either 1) they can spend all day trying to kill us, or 2) they can spend all day trying to manage us. If presented with the option, I think the machines would pursue the more challenging option which would clearly be number 2. Human’s provide a constant source of random and unpredictable data sets that could keep the machines guessing for years. Killing us would be all too easy. And then what? We’d be dead. They’d be bored. A human v.s. machine war is just a loose/loose situation. But there are virtually no drawbacks to having machines as our political leaders.

Seriously, I’ll give you 25 bucks for a gram of whatever it is you’re smoking.

Freed from the shackles of human weakness, our new robotic political and economic systems will flourish, creating a networked governing consciousness that will actually work for the good of all humanity instead of for the pockets of a privileged few. War will become obsolete and humanity can focus on really important things. Things like this.

In conclusion I would like to officially welcome our new robotic masters. I think you should all join me in extending a warm fleshy hand to our cold, steel fingered new friends. After all, robots are people too.

-e

2003-11-04T09:04:00.000-08:00

boobies

Just needed to lighten the mood around here a little. Thought a title like Boobies would get the job done. And I think I can say with some degree of certainty and ego, “Mission Accomplished.”

A few things I wanted to talk about today. First is the concept of a NeoFriend. A NeoFriend, as defined by me, is a friend who shares a similar virtual hobby as yourself, who you come to know and have a lasting relationship with online. They’re kind of like an upgraded, more efficient version of regular ‘Friends’. I’ve made several really good NeoFriends who I see online all the time. Like me, they tend to be early adopters and are the first ones to get new games, so we’re always running into each other. We’ve been through a lot together, from tearing through the streets of DC in Midtown Madness 3, to killing terrorists in the new Rainbow Six:3. I Like to come home and hang out with these people. When I don’t see them for a while I tend to miss them and I’m happy to see them when they show up in my game.

But can I actually consider these people my friend? And if so, what kind of a friend is a neofriend?

Certainly these people are more than an acquaintance. I know about their lives, and their kids, and what their favorite beer is. We frag no0bs together. (as a side note, my spell checker has no problem with “no0bs” but doesn’t register “frag”. If this blog were an Alanis Morissette song… it would be Ironic, don’t you think?)

In my current life situation I have no real physical friends who live anywhere near me. All my college buddies live in LA, about an hour north. I haven’t met anybody in Huntington Beach who I hang out with except for one mildly neurotic comic book artist and a computer programmer with a god complex. Suffice it to say I don’t have any real friends in Huntington Beach. So I have supplemented my real friends with virtual neofriends; People who are as into games as I am, but who happen to exist anywhere from several hundred to several thousand miles away. What does that mean?

I sit at home, by myself, in my room, talking into a headset to little soldiers on the screen and they talk back. Am I really socializing? To be honest, I don’t want to have to go to a bar and pretend that I’m a good looking guy and pretend to be fascinated by some stupid whore in a halter top and pretend that I’m not buying her drinks so I can get her drunk… all so I can say I was officially socializing. I just don’t want to have to go through all that. Plus I can never get them drunk enough to come home with me anyway. Really… Picking up chicks at a bar is like playing a slot machine. You have to pick one that looks like a winner and just keep dropping money into it and pulling the lever hoping at the end of the night she’ll be drunk enough that you’ll hit the jackpot. I digress…

I think these people, these neofriends, can be even better than regular friends. All my neofriends have the exact same interests as me, I don’t have to pretend to like anybody, and since the Black ones aren’t physically in the same room, I don’t have to keep an eye on my wallet and can just enjoy their company! It’s a perfect social world, Except for the Canadians who’s mispronunciation of the letter ‘O’ often turns an otherwise tranquil gaming session into a divisive verbal jousting match alienating people along invisible nationalist boundaries. Fucking Canadians. I wish we could just send them back to Africa. If only it were that easy. At least the Mexicans don’t play Live yet. I guess that’s because they haven’t come out with an online hotel cleaning simulator. You could call it “The Maids”. Activision had better get on that. Pardon me, but I digress…

I had another topic I wanted to get into, but I’ll save that for later this week. I want to end this entry on a moral high note. “The Maids.” Lol. That’s pretty good.

-e

2003-11-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

ruminations

I’ve touched on this briefly last week in my House of Cards post, but the topic keeps coming up in my somewhat less glamorous offline life. To all my readers over the age of 65 this may not be to relevant, but to the majority of my constituents I’m hoping something will ring true.

So, I’m in the “Real World” now. I have a job, I pay my bills, I still can’t get a date and I worry about how my 401k is progressing. It sucks. And I work with a bunch of people who’s life is probably not much different than mine right now. They’re sitting all around me and it’s like they don’t even know that what they do all day is utterly meaningless. I am, however, profoundly aware of this fact. But the irony is that by most standards I’m a successful young man. I’m 23, college educated, I make good money, I just got a promotion, and I’m even thinking of getting a new car. That’s the American dream, right? All I need now is to find a nice girl I can settle down with who will have dinner on the table for me when I come home from the office, and who can pop out another kid every time I hit a new tax bracket. We’ll move to a little town and never ever leave and grow old together until she starts to pork up, or “get comfortable” and I end up cheating on her with my secretary (I’ve been promoted to manager at this point) whom I hired right out of college. We’ll fight over who gets to keep our bank accounts (more specifically MY bank account) and who has to take our kids (by now they’ll be on drugs so they’ll be her kids). That’s when I’ll loose my arm in a freak hunting accident and spend the rest of my life (which will be 3 months) trying to kill myself by overdosing on Zoloft and Nyquil. Sweet God! I think somewhere deep down I might… Might… be a pessimist.

But that’s the way it’s supposed to go. This plot, with all of its cliché characters and sappy melodrama is etched into our collective subconscious on some level or another. But I can’t help but feel like the whole thing is a sham and I don’t want much to do with it. The security is nice. Knowing I have a pay check. Knowing I have insurance. But I don’t really want insurance. That’s a problem.

In this time when so many people are out of work, I’m actually contemplating quitting my job. Hell, I already quit in my head. I’m long gone. What sits at this cubicle is just a rough sketch of the E. H. McGregor you all have come to know and love. And I’m really conflicted about it. I don’t want to let my parents down, and I don’t want to be a failure, but I know that this path will inevitably lead nowhere. And I guess I rationalize it by thinking that if I’m going nowhere anyway, I might as well go nowhere in Japan. At least I could make an adventure out of failure. Some people get a rush out of roller coasters, or breaking the rules, or Pretending to be a priest and then poking little boys in the ass. I get a rush out of waking up in a different place every morning and not having any idea what’s going to happen next. I just get off on it.

I think deep down my problem is that I’m just to lazy to seriously pursue a career in something. I know I’m not good enough to do anything professionally right now, and I haven’t really found anything that I know I’m meant to do. It’s the “What do I want to do with my life” syndrome. I guess I’ve got it. Maybe running away is just a form of denial. Maybe I’m to spoiled to put any real effort into anything. I think that is a definite possibility.

Maybe I’ll just try to marry into money. That’s the ticket!

-e

2003-10-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

Rainbow Six: 3 (First Impressions)

Fuck Crimson Skies.

I had heard very little of R6 until yesterday when the first reviews started trickling in. They were scarce and revealed little, but seemed to be very positive. I had played the demo and was skeptical. For one thing the controls seemed a little unresponsive, and the recoil on the guns made it difficult to aim and shoot. I was concerned how that would affect the multiplayer, which in today’s world is the paramount gaming experience.

I bought the game. I just bought it because I’m a dumb sucker for hot new games. If VideoGames are my Sacks Fifth Avenue, then Ubi Soft is my Prada.

My first impression was one of sheer, utter frustration. It took me almost 20 minutes to find a game. All the servers were full and the load times to get into a game were unmatched in length by any other Xbox game I’ve seen. It took forever. By the time I finally found a game and got in and started playing I was dead. Just like that. I didn’t even stand a chance. I was really fucking pissed and almost returned the game right then.

But then I played a little of the game on the single player mode. And things got better. They’ve made some awesome choices with the game including the fact that all your team communication and dialogue is transmitted through your headset. You can also give orders to your teammates through your head set. It’s well done and a little trippy.

I had now become accustomed to the controls and pacing of R6 and I hopped back online and decided to find a game. I got on with Crazy85 and Treemonkey and CC6 and a few others and we played some team survival.

Wow.

The Mother Fucking Magic Game Fairy must have sprinkled some serious Fairy shit on this game. Let me tell you. This game is intense. It’s the most intense first person shooter I’ve ever played. Here’s why:

The game is using a Direct X9 Graphics engine. This means real time light, shadow, and shading effects make it the most beautiful FPS on the market. Combined with excellent ambient sound effects, you can not only hear if somebody is in the room with you (my surround sound lets me hear where), but you can also see their shadows long before you’ll ever see them. And when you finally kill someone, their body goes limper than a wet noodle thanks to a very impressive (and often humorous) Havoc Physics Engine.

There is a level of realism achieved in this game unlike any I’ve seen before. You are fighting in a real world. The levels are the most detailed I’ve ever seen, and the character models don’t skimp either. When You and your teammates are holed up on the second floor of a building and the other team blows the door, tosses in a few flash bangs and tear gas and then storms your camp… You really feel like you are under siege! It’s fucking scary! They game is so intense it makes you nervous and there were a few instances of friendly fire before we learned we had to announce to guys that it was a friendly coming up behind them.

After some very intense battles in team mode, we lost a few people and decided to switch to Co-op Mission. I really think that this is where R6 shines like no other game. You and your 3 friends play through the single player game together, working as a real team to achieve a mission goal. The detail and complexity achieved here can not be overstated. The AI is intelligent and responsive, the levels are well designed and gorgeous, and the feeling you get when you and your teammates breach a door, frag and clear a room is without compare. It is a true tactical first person shooter.

After we played a few missions of Co-Op, we went back and played some standard deathmatch. Quake and Doom, Unreal and Counter Strike have had their hay day. The ‘Twitch’ factor I believe is coming to an end. The Deathmatch on R6 was furious. But it was controlled and logical, not just mindless mayhem.

Not only is this game awesome… It comes with 2 free months of Xbox Live. So besides an initial learning curve, there is no excuse to not buy this game. NOW.

A +

-e

2003-10-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

Also in the news… California is on FIRE

I don’t know if you people are aware of this, but southern California is literally on fire. Apparently the fires are the size of the state of Rhode Island which, admittedly isn’t a big state, but is still the size of a STATE! One the news last night they would say things like “The town of such-and-such is GONE, Firefighters are moving to try and save the town of So-and-So now.” Entire towns are being consumed by the flames. The entire city of San Diego is in jeopardy. This is a huge deal. They’re already estimating over 2 Billion dollars of damage. That’s with a B people.

The other thing is the smoke. I’m north of the fires, but the smoke is terrible. The sky has been a bizarre gray color and the sunlight has been turned a pale, eerie orange. Ash falls out of the sky and covers your car in a thick layer of white grit. It’s filthy and your throat hurts after a while.

Then to top it all off the God Damned super market employees have gone on strike. STRIKE! You wouldn’t believe it. You go to the grocery store and there are people outside with picket signs telling you not to go in. This has been going on for two weeks now. And to be honest, I’m sick and tired of it. The people they have hired to replace the cashiers and baggers are an order of magnitude dumber than the original employees, which is at the same time both amusing and insulting. I hate that having to go to the grocery store involves political conflict. I don’t need that kind of stress in my life. I just need some peanut butter. Cut me some freaking slack here. These people are supermarket employees… They don’t do anything all day. It’s not like they’re coal miners and they put their lives at risk. They fucking bag groceries and ring up chicken. This is not supposed to be a career job… with the exception of Pete. Sorry Pete. No offense… but come on.

Oh yea, and Arnold Swartzenagger is our governor.

Let’s recap:

The state is on fire to the tune of 2 Billion dollars, Supermarket employees are on strike, and Arnold is Governor.

Goodnight Folks.

-e

2003-10-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

360 Degrees

The online evolution of Crimson Skies is indeed interesting. There is a HUGE gap between the people who are good and the people who fail to understand the seductive complexity of it's gameplay. The strategy centers around 2 variables: The type of plane you choose and the type of game you’re playing. The plane is important because it defines the style you prefer. For example, the Bulldog is one of the fastest and most maneuverable planes in the game, but it comes with a very short range, inaccurate weapon; the shotgun. People who choose this plane prefer a type of game that is fast and close, forcing them to get directly behind their target for a quick devastating kill. To contrast, I have been playing the Dust Devil lately. This plane comes with the regular machine guns and its special weapon is a very large, very powerful gatling gun. The plane is slow, but its long range cannons allow for a continuous assault from a medium to long distance. It allows me to stay out of the fray, swooping in to destroy targets of opportunity at my leisure. There are middle ground planes and specialty planes that can allow you t0o tweak the gameplay to your liking. The other variable is the game mode. There is a huge difference between dogfight, team dogfight, capture the flag, keep away, and crazy chicken. Each type of game demands you to flex a different set of skills on your opponents. For example, Keep Away forces you to explore your grasp of total 3d spacial awareness. If you cannot cope with flying normally one second and then inverted and sideways while under heavy enemy fire the next, you will not be able to keep up in keep away. As the name suggests the goal is to grab a flag and then keep it away from the other competitors without getting shot down. Team keep away takes it to a new level by allowing you to use your team mates to provide cover. The team aspect to these games adds an interesting layer of strategy.

I’ve also found that the full on, non stop, 360 degree action has spoiled me to all other forms of gameplay. I’m lucky because the game doesn’t make me physically nauseous (I feel bad for people with motion sickness) so I can take it to it’s limits. I’m not just memorizing maps in a linear fashion now, I’m learning them in a dynamic, asymmetrical way. Meaning I don’t look at it in terms of stationary positions, rather points of strategic opportunity that will allow me certain advantages in maneuverability during combat. Normally in a FPS, the attack always comes from the same points. Because people can only stand in certain spots. This game provides an opportunity for an attack to come from any angle, any direction at any time. Oops… I just pissed myself.

-e

2003-10-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

I Like to look at my Poop

I look at my poop before I flush it. I don't know why. But I find every Piece interesting in some unique way. (Piece as in 'Piece of Art' not as in 'Piece of of Poop'... lets be clear on that)

I hate my life. Please don't look at me.

-e

2003-10-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

House of Cards

I’m sitting in my cubical and people are talking on every side of me about productivity levels, monthly reports, dispersal dates, success, ratios, products, another cup of coffee. It trails off and blends together into a TV static background noise allowing me to pick out just enough from each conversation to not be able to hear anything at all. Is this where all these people thought they would be ten years ago. In this office? Will I become background static in somebody else’s blog? What is this institution? What do I accomplish? I can see how people grow old in an office, but I think I would leave before that ever happened. Maybe it’s my total lack of respect for society. A contempt of routine. But I would gladly cut my losses and disappear into the world. All I need is an excuse. Even a bad one will due. Maybe I should while I’m still young. But there’s a compelling sense of urgency to stay, to get ahead, to be successful before I’m to old. Schizophrenia. But take two of what and nobody to call in the morning. I can only pretend to be part of this little world for so long before the Jig is up. Then they’ll clean out my cubical and the women will cry and bring flowers and the men will look stern and proud and talk quietly about my virtues as an employee. Then they’ll hire a Temp to sit in my desk and in two weeks my memory will be replaced with the pressure of getting together a monthly report that nobody will read and doesn’t make a difference. I have work to do, but I’m putting it off because I don’t care about it. I’ll do it, but only for my own selfish gratification. I’ll do it because I like people telling me I did a great job and they couldn’t have done it without me even though I know any idiot could do what I do and probably do it even better. I don’t tell them that. And even if I did they probably wouldn’t believe me. So It’s all a lie and I’m the liar and all these cubicles are made of glass and this whole fucking building is built with cards and a foundation on sand overlooking the beach with a beautiful view as the sun sets and we can go to sleep knowing exactly where everything will be tomorrow when we get up for work.

-e

2003-10-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

Told you

For those of you who refuse to believe me, here is another review of Crimson Skies. It's basically what I said except the people who wrote this review actually have a coherent grasp of English. They are double plus smarter than me.

-e

2003-10-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge

My composure at work today says it all. The puffy eyes, the vacant stare, my psudo lucid interaction with reality. I was up till almost 2 o’clock last night playing this game, Crimson Skies, and could not for the life of me put it down. Two words: “wow”.

Incase you live under a rock, CS is an alternate reality 1930’s style biplane shooter. But the plot really isn’t so important. You fly planes and you shoot things until they die. It’s loads of fun. The first thing that stands out are the graphics. This is yet another graphical winner from Microsoft Studios, makers of various other graphical winners such as: Mech Assault, Midtown Madness 3, and your mom. The game is gorgeous. The water, the reflections, the lighting, the environments. End to end they have achieved a level of detail and visual quality on par with the best of anything we’ve seen to date, including PC.

But what really solidifies the graphics is the game play. The game sets out in the same vane as Mech Assault; to be a unique, accessible, and enjoyable arcade style action game. I would consider MA a success, and I think CS trumps even that. Freed from gravity, CS allows you to truly utilize the sky. You have 360 degrees in every direction. You can roll, dip, loop, pitch and yaw till your hearts content. There are no restrictions on your movement, which I feel is a major accomplishment for an arcade flight game.

Now combine this total freedom of movement with a fully realized 3d environment and what you have is a recipe for cool. It means that the game is responsive down to the inch allowing you to barrel roll through the exposed scaffolding of a skyscraper, loop around a mesh of steel pipes, or loose your enemy in the narrow back alleys of a city’s downtown district. You can literally take your plane anywhere it will fit, and you can do it with style. I was being chased by a guy last night in the Chicago level. He was chasing me around the top of the highest building, engaged in aerial combat with the best view in the whole city. I dived straight down, weaving in and out of some various support structures to give me cover. He was still on my Ass as I got to street level so I turned my plane sideways and flew right into a side alley that was so tight you could hear my bladder give way. I pulled out onto a larger street and had lost him. It was everything a dogfight should be about.

Which leads me to the Multiplayer. The single player game is GREAT so far. I’m really enjoying it. It’s kind of like GTA with planes. But the Multiplayer is an excellent example of what sex with a game console would look like. We were playing 10 player team dogfights! 5 on 5 action in the skies! There’s no better feeling that seeing your buddy getting aced, and then being able to swoop in, presumably from heaven, and save his ass. It’s a very enjoyable experience. No lag. Awesome.

I’m curious how the online game will evolve. Right now everybody is on equal footing because It’s new, which is awesome when a Live game first comes out. But lots of people quickly emerge who are more than a cut above the rest and their skill and strategy quickly influence the online community and shape the pace of the game. CS is certainly a unique experience. We have yet to see an online game like this evolve in 360 degrees. Rest assured I will be there as it does, acing people with the best of ‘em.

-e

2003-10-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Joe

Well, God Damnit, they’ve done it again. Last night was the season premiere of Joe Millionaire. And It was fucking great. The ease and grace with which they offered up the sinfully delicious shortcomings of everything our society represents was liken only to watching a professional athlete at work. It looked easy. And it tasted even better.

The thing about Joe Millionaire is that we all know how filthy and degenerate women are. Women are lazy, self absorbed whores and they have somehow managed to fool everybody into thinking domestic violence is “wrong”. The only reason we tolerate women is because of their boobs and their baby holes (where we like to jam our jimmy missiles into). Joe Millionaire lets us hate everything that’s true about women and then feel good about it. I like that.

But see, where they get you is when they throw in Joe. It’s role reversal and a very, very good example of sophisticated story telling. All of a sudden the big strong man becomes the venerable victim of his own devices. In both shows Joe has, in fact, played the classic female role. Naïve. Honest. Innocent. Good looking. Sensitive. But not to bright. He has chosen to deceive these women out of the best of intentions. But, as they say, the road to hell… bla bla bla.

The reason Joe Millionaire is compelling television is because of its inherent literary value. That’s right. Literary. The heroine is actually Joe. The Prince is a mysterious woman somewhere at this party who holds the key to Joe’s heart. The villain are the 14 girls who are competing against each other to deceive Joe and win the money. And the shamanistic or mystical guide is Paul the butler who is the only person who really knows what’s going on. Everybody has well defined goals and all the plot twists are evolved directly from each person’s character and their interactions with each other.

Take a proven story line, turn all the conventional rolls on their heads, add some fun music and flashy camera angles, lots of gimmics, and hot girls in their panties clawing at each other to have sex with someone they’ve never met for 80 million dollars. Someone call Booker, I think we’ve got a Prize here.

-e

2003-10-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a Fucking Thought

Lets say it takes a fraction of a mili-second for the electrical impuse to get from our eyeball to our brain. It takes a fraction of a mili-second for any input signal to get from any part of our body to our brain.

Perception is Reality.

Does that mean Reality has Lag?

-e

2003-10-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

Laugh Out Loud... (lol)

No matter who you are, or where you're at, This speaks for itself.

Now that's comedy people. That's comedy.

-e

2003-10-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

You know what would be cool…

You guys ever heard of Machinima? It’s a new form of film making that uses real time virtual worlds as its medium. A really, really good example of this is Red vs Blue, an internet television series based on, and filmed entirely in the Multiplayer world of Halo. Quite Frankly I think this form of story telling is absolutely amazing.

Now imagine when this gets to the point where we have a live movie, being filmed inside a game engine, that you log into and watch as the actors are ‘playing’ it out. When you log in, you would simply take the perspective of the camera man and watch as the action unfolded. Of course everything would be scripted and the actors/cameramen would have to practice to get everything right… but then you could have, say in the middle of the movie, an actual gun fight where the outcome was based on which player was better and affected the plot accordingly. So there would be an element of live, unpredictable interaction.

The future is going to be so fucking cool.

-e

2003-10-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Open Source Government and the era of the digital election.

The biggest problem we have in this democracy is not our ability to elect a governing official effectively… It’s the ability of that official to govern effectively when they spend so much time trying to get elected. Look how much time Bush is spending fund raising right now. We’re in the middle of two wars and our President is spending several days traveling around, having lunch, raising money to run next year! Then look at how hard it is to actually get elected if you can’t raise money. Our political system has a bottleneck and the average working stiff will never be able to squeeze through.

That’s why we need to level the playing field. We need to completely rebuild how we think a democracy functions and base it around the best that our current technology has to offer. Television did it once when Kennedy won that first televised debate. But now we’ve upgraded. It’s time to move it all over to the internet. Every candidate should be allowed to have their web page and a set number of hours for commercial time in each state. And that’s it. What else do you need. You can pack as much info as you want on your web page: commercials, ads, policy information, charts, graphs, interns. You can disseminate quicker, cheaper, and more directly. Plus all sides will be equal. Nobody gets more air time on the internet. And just as Kennedy won because he was better looking, the most tech savvy will rise to the top in the new digital campaign. Which I think is a good thing because It will show a candidate’s prowess at understanding and navigating new technology. An essential task for any new President or Government official.

Then we need to un-cook the books. We should start a government initiative to develop an open source accounting program that provides real time expense reports for all local levels of government. The problem we have right now is that people are pulling numbers out of their ass and they don’t really know what’s going on with the budget, on a state, local OR federal level. That’s absurd. If I didn’t keep track of my expenses (which I don’t) I’d be broke (which I am)! Why is our Government any different? We need something where the average citizen can log on and download their local, state, or federal audit sheet and take a look. And I mean really take a look. Down to the dollar. It would be the ultimate check and balance. You could see exactly what you’re spending money on and vote accordingly. No more he said she said… the numbers would be out in the open. Partisan politics would mean nothing. For the first time in our political history it would be about results and numbers, not slander and manipulation.

The concept of Open Source has brought a hobby OS out of the basement and into corporate offices as a serious contender to the throne in under 10 years. It has changed the way we look at an entire business model and, indeed, an entire industry. There is no reason why it can’t do the same for our political system. We have no idea what’s going on in our government. You don’t. I don’t. And as long as government is a proprietary system controlled by the dollar, we’ll always be under the thumb of those in power. We really need to buy this country back… and the best way to do it is to make our government free.

-e

2003-10-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

McGriddle

An elderly woman with a broadband connection somewhere in the Cezh Republic recieved her first call from the American breakfast sandwich known as The McGriddle last night. The McGriddle explained to her that he was a warm golden griddle cake (with the sweet taste of maple syrup baked right in), and different combinations of savory sausage, crispy bacon, fluffy eggs and melted cheese in a convenient sandwich. The woman was not amused. However, the McGriddle was.

If you would like to talk to McGriddle, you can look him up on Skype; username: McGriddle

-e

2003-10-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Hooked

Well, I've spent all night Skyping unsuspecting people all over the globe. I talked for 15 minutes with a South Korean Archetect, 10 minutes with some Girl in Japan, and about 2 minutes with a very confused older Japanese man. I think the novelty will wear off pretty soon. Then I'll have to start prank calling.

-e

2003-10-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

Skype

Hey guys, I just found this new thing call Skype. Its a VoIP program from the makers of KAZA and its free. Its really easy to download and I'd like to test it out, but I don't know anybody who's on. Go to the website, download it and look me up. My user name is 'ericmcgregor' or you can search for 'eric mcgregor'.

-e

2003-10-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Segway

I was driving down Garfield street this morning when on the left hand side of the road I saw an old man with a helmet zooming up a hill on a Segway people mover. It actually took my brain a second. I've seen so many pictures of it in the paper and on the internet, I've read so much hype, and then out of nowhere I see one in real life. In a way it was pretty anti-climatic. It was just some old guy going up a hill. But I actually turned my car around and went back to find him. By the time I got turned around he was gone and I had missed my chance to see a Segway up close. I'm not sure if this speaks of the wiley resoucefullness of the elderly or the speed and manuverability of the Segway. I guess only time will tell.

-e

2003-10-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Thoughts; feelings

I have been an avid supporter of the Emusic.com thing for a few months now. Unlimited downloads, no DRM, a nominal monthly fee. But to my shock and awe, I discovered that they have been bought out and are discontinuing their unlimited download scheme. I always figured it was too good to be true. Now, it turns out, it was.

I always fight with my cube-mate at work about stealing in the digital age. He contends that stealing is stealing. I say that Stealing is stealing except when its not. We have a ‘difference of opinion’. It goes like this:

Me: Emusic.com is the wave of the future! I love it because I have unlimited access to a library of music at a nominal monthly fee. It feels good. It feels like stealing except its not. I wouldn’t have to steal from major record labels if they would just provide music to me like this.

Carl: The music labels provide a product. They provide music. Its their prerogative to provide that product at whatever price they deem fit and at whatever quality suites them. If I don’t like it then I don’t have to buy it because there are lots of other music labels out there and they don’t have a monopoly on music. When you download music that you didn’t buy your stealing. End of story. You want the labels to provide this product to you on your terms, but they don’t have to, so you just have to deal with it.

Me: Number 1 – The only reason that it’s stealing from the labels is because they make it stealing. Its not stealing when I do it from Emusic, because Emusic charges. It’s only stealing because the record labels won’t charge for it. They don’t want to. And that’s not my fault. Number 2 – You can’t have a business and assume that the customer is always wrong. If you do, the customer will either stop coming to your store, steal from your store, or burn it down. The record labels not only assume the customer is always wrong, they also assume that he is a Fuck Tard. This only increases the likelihood of customers returning to your store… to burn it down.

Carl: Stealing is wrong.

Me: Unless its right.

Carl: When has it ever been right.

Me: About 200 years ago a group of disgruntled customers decided to steal from The Man to show their discontent with his oppressive regime. The Man made the mistake of assume his customers were always wrong. This ‘revolution’ was so popular they decided to have a little ‘Party’. They even made tea. In Boston Harbor. The Man was The King of England. And those thieving hoodlums? Americans! This country is built on a foundation of stealing from The Man when The Man gets out of line. It’s the only way to keep anybody honest.

Carl: …

Me: That’s right. 200 years later, those tea stealing hooligans are heroes. And 200 years from now, when the revolution has come, the corporate executives will have been the first ones with their backs against the wall, and children will read about the heroism of those early P2P users who, in classic American fashion, threw the proverbial tea into the water. I’m a Hero Carl. A God Damned American Hero!

So there you go. I’ve been arguing Carl on this for a month now. And I could never figure a time when stealing was right. But it is. And now that Emusic has been sold out, I’m going straight back to getting my music like a true American. I’m going to steal it.

-e

2003-10-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

A few Quick Ones

I’m now governed by a Ruthless Killing Machine sent from the future. He will stop at nothing, you hear me NOTHING! to balance our budget!

The people of California have spoken, and they said: “RUN! GET TO THE CHOPPA! GET DOWN! GET DOWN NOW! IT’S NOT A TUMOR!”

At least we know when push comes to shove, we have a governor who will Grope.

2003-10-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAhh-nold! Politics for people who can’t read

So here we are again Kids. Some of you may be wondering where I’ve been. Well, Let me tell you:

I was in a fierce battle, During which I was captured by Samurai. Instead of killing me, they trained me to lead them, where upon I, and an unruly but Quarky collection of warriors defeated the Imperial Japanese Army. Now you know, so Don’t ever ask of this Again. I’m glad we’re square.

In case you’ve been recently cloned and haven’t had your memory restored from the last 6 months… Arnold Swartzenagger is running for Governor of California. … And he might win. I think we are all aware that the world is quickly coming to an end, but did any of you honestly think it was going to be this fucking weird? (Cause I didn’t) But on an upside this is the most entertaining Apocalypse I’ve ever heard of.

The reason why I think Arnold should be President… er, Governor… Is not because he would be the best Governor of California, It’s because he would be the Funnest Governor of California. Yes, I used the word ‘Funnest’. I’ll be here all week. You see, for those of you who don’t follow politics, It’s a lot like Hollywood Squares. You have a bunch of Candidates who already know the questions and then make up the most plausible answer they can and try to sell you on it, Truth be damned. And when you play Hollywood squares, you realize that its not really about winning, its more about picking the Funnest Square that’ll make you laugh and forget about naughty words like “Deficit Spending”. And if you happen to win, then Rock! But if you loose at least you can leave the show with your head held high knowing you didn’t pick Shadow Stevens. And that’s all that really counts: Not voting for a looser.

So here we have California. It’s the 5th largest economy in the world. THAT’S WITH A “B” PEOPLE! We can’t afford a Shadow Stevens right now. What about Arnold’s politics? Aren’t I concerned that he gropes women? What does that Say about his Character?

Lets get one thing straight. I would be less likely to vote for Arnold if he DIDN’T grope women. I don’t want some Faaag for Governor. (not that I’m racist) But I am. I’m Glad that Arnold has red, hot, American blood running though his veins. And there’s nothing more American than taking advantage of women. Believe me I know.

Arnolds politics, as far as I can tell, Amount to catch Phrases from his previous movies strung together by verbs like “Sacramento” and nouns such as “Get to the Choppah!” and “Get DOWN!” And you know what… That’s good enough for me.

In the end, I think that’s what Politics is really all about. Waking up, going to the polls, looking at your choices, Picking one and saying: “You know what, that’s good enough for me.”

America: Its good Enough for Me.

-e

2003-08-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Friday Video Game Review!!!

This Week: Knights of the Old Republic

E. H. Gives it: A!

I still say that George Lucas is an Enemy to National Security and should be deported to Guam. No matter how good this game is.

This game is so good it could almost make you love the Star Wars Franchise again. I say almost because We, as Americans, are STILL going to have to sit through ANOTHER new Star Wars Movie. These last two movies were worse than an appointment at one of Saddam’s Torcher Chambers after a long night of drinking. They F*cking suck. We all might as well skip this next one and go out into the street and get hit by a buss. It would save us the trouble of waiting in line and it would be cheaper than a buying a ticket. If George Lucas knows how to do one thing right, his god given talent if you will, it’s his ability to rape something beautiful in front of millions of people. Just rape the Sh*t out of it, George. You F*cking A Hole.

Thank God George Lucas had Nothing to do with this game. This video game is one of the finest pieces of game art I’ve seen in a long, long time. It really has everything that you loved about Star Wars all rolled up in a pretty, eye candied package. Wonderful.

The graphics are outstanding. Totally outstanding.

The game play is excellent. Very well thought out, and very well executed.

The story is well written, funny, witty, intelligent, and open ended. You can choose which path of the Force you will follow.

This game is a must have for any serious gamer. And to be honest, I really think that Non gamers would get into this. I even think that girls would really like this game. The decision making is COMPLEX. You really have to think ahead as to how you want to craft your character. Because the way its structured, your picking powers and abilities. And these powers and abilities in the beginning don’t do much, but after you advance a few levels, if you’ve really put some thought into it, they can come together to make you very powerful over time. But its very specific. And that makes it challenging. I think that girls would like this game because its very story centered and the story is very conversation oriented. There are LOTS of conversation decisions you can make and you can really learn a lot about yourself by the threads you pick. Plus the fighting isn’t skill oriented as much as it is system oriented. Its very logical and methodical, but it still manages to feel like your playing an arcade fighting game. Very interesting. Very well done.

Dude, I’m so hung over today. I was out way to late last night, and drank way to much. Good thing that girl at the bar didn’t want to give me her number or go home with me. She must have been intimidated by the special friend that lives in my pants. By that I mean my Cell Phone which is both large and unwieldy.

Oh man, there’s a ton of games that I’m really excited about getting in the next month or two. Until KOTOR, the game play tide has definitely been out. Here’s my Must Have list for the next little while.

Ghost Recon: Island Thunder

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2: Chaos Bleeds

Soul Calibur 2

Project Gotham Racing 2

Sudeki

XIII

Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge

Dues Ex: Invisible War

Counter Strike

True Crime: Streets of LA

Ninja Gaiden

Rainbow Six: Raven Shield

Good GOD! Ok. Well, that’s every game I’m probably going to buy over the next few months. Damn. I am going to have a very impressing game catalogue and a very lonely Social life.

-e

2003-08-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

News UPdate

In a surprising turn of events, Bill Gates has released an army of 100,000 Giant Flesh Eating Robots against the United States of America. In a telephone interview earlier this morning Gates said that, "It was taking to long for my Operating System to get the job done, and the robots were ready, so I just decided to go ahead and let them loose." The robots are currently making their way toward the East Coast.

-e

2003-07-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

Office Life – The Politics of Saying Nothing Meaningful

I heard the new guy put his stuff down in the cubicle next to mine. I had seen him the other day. He came across as a nice guy. Quiet. He looked like he’d stay the hell out of my business and I liked that about him right away. He did have great posture, but I find that threatening. I heard his keyboard klack as he logged into the network. He probably doesn’t spend the majority of his day surfing the net like I do. He seems like the kind of guy that’ll actually DO a lot of stuff.. A cross comparison of his internet usage v.s. mine could make me look really bad if IT ever got around to doing it.

Note: Send the new guy a lot of links to useless articles on the internet.

Jesus. It was 8:30 and I already needed another Frapachino. I wished Slashdot would update. They haven’t updated in 15 minutes. I got up to go to the break room just as the new guy was leaving his cubicle. Probably to go to a ‘Meeting’. Damnit. Eye contact. Ok, be cool. Just stay calm and act friendly.

“Eric, right?”

“Yea. Hi. How’s it going.” Sweet. That came really close to sounding sincere. I don’t think he noticed.

“I’m doing Good. Good.”

See, now I’m blowing it. There’s this Pause starting to roll in like a fog over London. Its that Pause that says “If I saw you under any other context besides an office, I might punch you.” Its that Pause that clues the other guy in that you really Hate him. I need to think quick. He’s got a book in his hand!

“What are you reading?”

“Pain Free PC. It’s stretches and exercises you can do at your computer so that you can prevent carpul tunnel’s syndrome and don’t hurt yourself.”

…

Maybe for the first time in my whole Life I’m speechless. The conversation with my brain went something like this:

Brain: “Dude? Look. I can’t help you on this one.”

Me: “Hey, get the f*ck back here. What am I supposed to say to that?”

Brain: “You know what man, I’ve had a really hard week. Ok? I’m F*cking tired. And to be honest with you, I have no Idea where to even begin coming up with something to say to anybody who reads a book about Stretching at your Computer to Avoid Injury. The man is a F*cking retard and his seed should be destroyed. There. You want something to say, tell him that. Cause I can’t think of anything polite to say. I just can’t. I can’t.”

Me: “Oh F*ck man. Don’t leave me out to dry like this!”

Brain: “Look, I have to go! Because, I’m not going to be held responsible for what I say to this guy.”

Me: “Fine. Get the F*ck out. You’re an Ass hole.”

Brain: “Thank you. That’s real grown up. Here, you want something to tell him? Uh… ‘Are there any stretches in there that’ll limber you up enough to bend all the way over and get the Stick out of you Ass with your teeth?’ No, wait. That’s to long and unwieldy. You want it short and sweet. How about… ‘Hey, Cock F*ck… Your reading a book about stretching at your computer!’ I think either one of those would be appropriate, but I’d recommend the last one because of its superior delivery. You’ve got good timing, I know you can pull it off. Great. Look, I’m going down to the pool to lay out for a while. Call me at 4:00 when you get off.”

Me: “Dick.”

“Oh, heh. Cool. Yea, you don’t want to get carpul tunnel’s syndrome. I probably won’t worry about that till I’m all messed up… like, cause my joints are frozen. You know, in 30 years.” Oh, F*cking sweet Jesus! This is what my life has become. I unconsciously looked around for material I could use to build a noose.

“Yea. Most people don’t think about it till its too late.”

He smiled. I made a strategic retreat. I am Custer. Every day is my Waterloo.

-e

2003-07-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Mail

I know my updates haven’t been all they could be lately. I would apologize for that except that I am incapable of feeling any emotion other than pure rage. Sometimes I feel apathy. But mostly Rage.

Fortunately I got this Email from a Fan. He is only just now responding to the article I wrote about the RIAA and their collective penis size (which is small), and how they are abusing our rites as customers. If I can say one thing about my fans… its that you are late, inconsiderate, A Holes. And I hate you.

From: Ryan
Subject : RIAA

eric you kill me
no honestly..
do you smell almonds?
Grandpa? . . .

Dear Reader,

What is that? A Haiku? Its not even close. You suck.

The Revolution is HERE! We have to rise up and force our hands to the necks of our captors, physically killing them, and letting the streets Run Red with their blood to serve as a warning to others. Viva la Revolution! These soulless cowards will slowly pound away at our rights to consume the sweet, sweet nectar of the digital media. Ryan... It is our birthright to live as Digitally as possible. If you Ping me... do I not respond? If you l/p, should you not be able to d/l?

Is THIS the world you want to live in? : http://www.blogcritics.org/archives/2003/07/27/002033.php I ask you, IS IT!!!!!

You don’t want that. Because You’ve been down that road, and you know where it ends. Which is why we need to look at immediate, and reactionary solutions to our problems... Like a violent and bloody overthrow. After we behead the deposed leaders of the RIAA in the streets of LA, we can loot their gold and bouillon and live like kings ourselves! I will feast on the flesh of Hillary Rosen! Do you HEAR ME! FEAST!!!!

Oh delicious revenge. Some say you are a dish best served cold, like that shitty French Potato Soup. But I say you are a dish best served HOT, like a radiated TV dinner fresh out of the microwave!

-(e)

2003-07-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

KOTOR

Knights of the Old Republic rocks. Yesterday, I saw my Wookie cleave a Sith soldier to death with two (count them two!) swords, one in each hand. When was the last time YOU saw a Wookie do that? Huh? Huh! That’s what I F*cking thought.

-e

2003-07-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

A Real Life File Sharing Community – The Rise of the Digital Speak Easy

So I’m reading this article on a new business model for file sharing. Its really interesting. It talks about forming a publicly traded company that legally purchases every CD ever, and makes them available for all of its shareholders to legally listen to. Very interesting. I think its legally flawed somehow, but if it worked I would pay for it just to F the RIAA. Those Cock hungry sons of Bitches!

But then I got to think about this article on Flash Mobs. This is really interesting. An internet community organizes its self to physically meet in the real world, in mass, at a coordinated time usually to do something silly. Instant mob. What a totally incredible idea. What a fascinating execution. All I could think was you could pull a real life D.O.S. attack on a physical location. That would be incredible. To shut down a real (physical) site (store) by overloading its server (door) with traffic (people). A cool exploit, but Flash Mobs seem to be only used for good now, not evil.

Ok, so if you combine these two phenomenon, you might be getting into a new wave of internet socializing. What if you moved file sharing out of the basement and out of cyber space and into the light of the real world. Ok, This is not a legal alternative, but it would be a lot more fun. hear me out:

So you and a bunch of your friend want to trade files. Cool. You find an old computer lying around somewhere and you bring it over to your house, deck it out with a fancy new cd burner (or DVD burner if your Really Hip), a few new hard drives and maybe a TV out video card. Then you throw a party. You invite all of your personal friends, and maybe some local friends you’ve met over the internet that all have an interested in music and movies or whatever. Everybody brings their media. Somebody brings a keg. And you spend the night drinking and copying/listening to music. You just rip everybody’s CD collection to this community media box. You get to meet a lot of people, you get to share a lot of interesting music, and you have a collective community media library that expands exponentially.

Now, maybe once a month lets say, people want to try some new music. So they come over, and burn 20 new MP3 albums on, say, 2 blank CD’s they brought over. More than enough music. Plus, for the 5, 10 minutes or so it takes to burn the CD's you get to hang out and socalize. Make new friends. Maybe they downloaded some new music over the course of the month, so they bring a copy of that over to and leave the CD, thereby expanding the library even more.

Now think about this. The internet is about expanding your community beyond your actual physical boundaries. This is made possible on the internet by instant access to the entire world. But this has, in fact, been possible since the beginning of time. It only took longer. We have a physical T3 line to anywhere. It has unlimited band width, meaning that you can transfer files (objects) of any size or weight, but the download time can be very slow (up to a week). That’s right… the U. S. POSTAL SERVICE! SMAIL! Lets say you take this community approach and want to expand beyond your borders. You find another community on the net, you open a dialogue, and you coordinate your two communities to physically mail a bundle of CD’s containing desired media. Neither of you charge for it, only the price of postage and the CD’s themselves. So for around 5 bucks, you could probably expand your community’s library by hundreds of albums, or TV shows, or movies, from another community anywhere in the world. It would be just like regular file sharing, except decentralized, more organized, community based, and you would be able to move far more media in a shorter amount of time than you can over broad band lines. It would also be totally anonymous (as long as you mailed everything with a little bit of caution). The only real price would be the time that each party put into burning CD’s. But maybe there’s a clever way to automate the burning process.

You would really just need one person to Host the media. Somebody who didn’t mind having people over, or who just enjoyed the mass hording of media. The only other expense would be Hard Drives and CD’s or DVD’s. You would, by default, be making physical copies of all this stuff so you would have a real archive of it somewhere, and if you mailed it, in multiple places. You could totally keep this on the underground, like a
Digital Speak Easy. Somebody needs to start SpeakEasy.org or something and get this rolling. What do you guys think?

-e

2003-07-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

Seal Update

Exerpts from the New Scientist Article Discussing the recent Seal Attack:

"The British Antarctic Survey has launched an investigation following a fatal attack on a marine scientist by a leopard seal.

Kirsty Brown, 28, was snorkelling about 25 metres from the shore near Rothera base when she was suddenly dragged under the surface. The shore cover team immediately called in a rescue boat, which reached the scene within 10 minutes, but the station doctor was unable to revive her.

Rare attacks by the large and fierce-looking seals have been reported. In 1985, Scottish explorer Gareth Wood was bitten twice on the leg as a seal tried to drag him off the ice into the water. Wood's companions beat off the seal by repeatedly kicking it with the spiked crampons on their boots. Ernest Shackleton's record of his 1914-16 Antarctic expedition also records an attempted attack

As well as underwater attacks, the seals also surge out of the water near the edge of ice shelves and snap at prey. Antarctic expeditioners are warned to keep away from the ice's edge for this reason. Inflatable boats at the US Antarctic base Palmer were fitted with puncture guards in 1999 after repeated leopard seal attacks.

There are hundreds of thousands of Leopard seals in the Antarctic, although they are solitary animals. Their only natural predators are killer whales."

Influenced by violent games such as Grand Theft Auto and Wolfenstein 3D, these seals have been made to believe that killing is Ok. That it is a victimless crime. That it is not 'Real'. And that Violence against humans is acceptable because, through the narrow experience these seals have with our culture, these games provide them with the distorted belief that humans have no problem killing humans, so why should seals. Seals are becoming more violent now because they are spending less time outside socializing and more time engulfed in this make believe world of violence. The seals are even attacking unsuspecting prey that get to close to the water's edge. This maneuver is very similar to techniques used in 'Stealth Action Games' such as 'Splinter Cell' and 'Hitman'. A clear correlation between Seal Violence and Videogames can be found in This Report. Notice the very clear Charts.

We should try to protect the Seals from this kind of unregulated, irresponsible, evil influence. The games are making the Seals Violent. I propose that we ban all video games that depict Human on Human violence, interspecies violence, or any kind of violence toward living or non living organisms whether in the past, future, or in any kind of fictional or nonfictional context. Violence is the root of the problem here, and I say we kill those roots swiftly and with great prejudice. The time for action is now, before it becomes to late!

-e

2003-07-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

Where's My Club?!

Yea, I bet they're not so F*cking Cute Now, are they PETA?!!?!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3090475.stm

-e

2003-07-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Big Huge Technology Review!

Well, I did it. And it felt so, so right. Let's review:

If you, or anybody you love owns an Xbox or a Game Cube, You have no other option in your life but to purchase This Beautiful Piece of Sex. Did you own a Dreamcast? Did you ever see the Dreamcast with the VGA adaptor they had? Well, it made Dreamcast look about 100% better. This Xbox VGA adaptor surpasses even that. I went though every single one of my games last night and just played them for a few minutes to look at how good they looked through this thing. the colors were better, the detail was impossibly sharp, and in a lot of ways it felt like i had just upgraded the entire system. I honestly couldn't believe how good it looked. It looked like i was playing top of the line PC games. I mean... it totally blew me away. Halo looked new again. And the games coming out over the next year are only going to take advantage of the high res even more. Thankfully now i will be able to keep up with them.

There are a few draw backs to this Component adaptor. The first is that you have to play it on your computer monitor. I know that sounds stupid because that's why you bought it, but I have a large TV so it was a little odd seeing everything scaled down by a few inches. But if you play a lot of computer games that won't seem foreign to you at all. It may seem a little strange to see your console game crammed into that 19' monitor... but after a few mind blurring minutes in High Resolution VGA splendor, you will soon forget.

The only way to switch the adaptor back to your computer is to turn off the Xbox. Not a huge deal, but i would have liked to manually switched between xbox and computer whenever i wanted. But I’ll take what I can get.

It won't display the Xbox dashboard or DVD's. I think this is because it can only convert a component, HD signal to VGA. The dashboard is in low resolution, so the monitor can't detect the signal. Its is a bit frustrating as I wanted to access my music, but I guess I'll live. Same with the DVD. Maybe there's a way around this though.

You need a separate speaker system. The adaptor comes with a cable so you can hook the Xbox up to your computer 'line in', which i thought was very helpful. But no RCA jacks or anything like that on the device its self. I just bought a whole surround sound deal though, so i didn't need it anyway.

But overall, the quality and the price of this product are perfect. I got everything that I paid for, and its performance so far is amazing. I'm very happy. I've been looking for an answer to the Xbox/VGA problem since the Xbox came out. I'm glad that I finally found it and it didn't cost me a pint of plasma (which i was perfectly willing to provide).

As for my new Surround Sound DVD System the jury is still out. I bought this thing as an investment. And It only cost me 50 dollars (a deal i arranged because of my vast network of well placed connections) so I figured that i couldn't loose. For now, this is more than enough for my room. I can play my games in full Dolby surround sound (which sounds awesome and is all I really cared about), but i can also load up my mp3 collection onto the system's 5 CDRW changer. It also reads any form of burned media from DVDRW to CDR. On top of all that, its a Progressive Scan DVD player. You can't beat that for 50 bucks. You just can't BEAT IT! The sound quality is... well, to be honest i don't really know. I'm not so good at judging sound quality for some reason. I can pick out the finest pixel on a HDTV monitor, but state of the art sound equipment vs off the shelf average components is just not my war to win. I'm sure the sound quality sucks. But F*ck you. You probably don't have a girlfriend either! (?)

Finally, on our little journey here, KNOTR. I didn't play to much of it last night. I got started, got around, am on my first mission, stuff like that. But I'm am totally impressed. This game, in the limited time I’ve played it, is really cool. Its based on the old skool Star Wars RPG pen and paper game. I do not play these games (as I am far to attractive and popular... clearly), but my room mate has indeed played the SW-RPG in real life before and he found KNOTR to be spot on. I don't know how to explain this real time turn based combat stuff, but never having played the pen and paper I think that Its an interesting comment on the design that I found it easy and exciting to pick up. I don't find everything easy or exciting. I don't even think a lot of things are well done. But this is all 4 of those. They did a good job.

The story is really fascinating. It seems well written, and the decision process that you go though with your character, so far, is really open ended. You can tell that your making decisions, but they aren’t stupid and obvious. Its structured into the dialogue. Very subtle. I like it a lot.

Oh, and the Graphics… absolutely out standing. This game really looks like a lot of people spent a lot of time making it very good. The design is great, the execution is detailed and thorough. They… they really blew me away on this one and I’m only on the first level (sniff). The city that I’m in feels populated and busy, and it feels like a big Star Wars City somewhere on the edge of the galaxy. I can’t wait to get past the first little bit here and really get into the open ended part of the game. Right now I’m a little bogged down in the opening story, so I’m working to get to the good stuff. But I’m leaning toward the light side. We’ll have to see how things pan out.

So yea, I’m amazing. Thank you, Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

-e

2003-07-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

Excited

Today is a watershed moment in my apartment. Rarely do so many things come together so perfectly on the same day. Its going to be a technology orgy in my room, and I'm not bringing any condoms! Viruses be damned.

I should be recieving this Component Video to VGA adaptor. It will enable me to hook my Xbox to my monitor and view all of my games in up to 1080i HDTV quality! Hot. Then i'm giong to need This sound system so that i can Hear all my games in dolby digital surround sound. I have a 100 bucks in bust buy gift certificits so it should make that financially accessable. And lastly, i will be recieving KNOTR today as well. Hopefully i will be playing this in 720p HDTV resolution and hearing it in full dolby surround sound before the night is though. I'm the F*cking man.

On a side note, I was Sh*tting in the bathroom at work today and this guy came in and sat in the stall next to mine. You could have cut the tension with a knife. You know, cause its always kinda awkward when you have to sit next to a guy who you know is taking a shit, and then he knows that your sitting next to him because you have to take a shit. I just want to generally be left alone when I have to evacuate waste from my body, i'm not so into people sitting or standing next to or even anywhere near me. But this guy sits next to me, and i'm just sitting there wondering how much noise he's going to make when he opens up his dirt flower and lets his butt fruits bloom. Because some people really f*cking tear it up. I mean, Good Lord! and there's this really wierd quiet inbetween their sonic Ass Blasts. Like nothing's happening. But we both know that it is. and who cares, really? The bathroom stall delivers a special kind of anonymonity. You can come in, drop a bomb, and leave, and nobody knows who you are. One time, i just want to shout "Yyeeeeeeeeeaaaahhhhh Haaaaawww!" as my excrement explodes from my ass. I wonder how corporate america would handle that. Would it ease the tension and make the crapper a more socially exceptiable place to crack jokes? Or would would i get a reputation as the Crap Cowboy? I don't know. I just don't know.

-e

2003-07-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

A letter from HorseCock

Dear Pat Robertson,

SINNER!!!! You ignorant Germ! In This CNN article you say that you have prayed to God to Kill the infidel leaders of the Supreme Court. You have done no such thing If you believe that The One True God will listen to you. You pray to the wrong God, Sinner! Ha HA! To know that My God, Flail Dong Battle Balls, is the only God is all that will separate you from the eternal, unquenchable fires of all damnation. I personally hope that you do not come to this realization so that you may be destroyed 8 times a day in the most painful of all ways as is set out by God Himself. God be praised! You be DAMNED!

You say in this article presented before you and God that you prayed for the destruction of the Evil Soviet Empire and God granted you this prayer. HA! LIES! You in fact did no such thing on your own. It was I, HorseCock the Foresighted who had indeed prayed for the creation of Nuclear Weapons so long ago that we may bring the unquenchable fires of unholy punishment to the Sinners so soon, because It would be to long for me to wait till the there after! IS THIS REALLY SO HARD TO BELIEVE?!?!!?!! So, I have destroyed the Soviet Union by praying to the One True God for the only weapon that spurred the awe inspiring arms race where by I gutted the villainous Soviet Economy! You fool! You would never have thought of such things for you are weak and fat.

Then you wish to ban sodomy again. Is it not this God of yours whom you prayed to for the end of Sodomy? But then if your God is so powerful, how is it that all their Asses are now my Playground? HAHA! You God is nothing. My God Loves Sodomy! And He destroyed your God on the field of open combat. Now you must kneel before me and lick on my beautiful balls (which is also endorsed by my God). You shallow fool! I now own your ASS!

If Christianity had a Hitler it would be you, Pat Robertson. Do not ever forget the burning suffering that will forever await you after you are mercilessly torn apart by the angry recipients of your filthy lies in this world.

-HorseCock the Terrible

2003-07-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Craig,

Your a big fucking Ass Hole. And your research is wrong. Plus you suck.

http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0715/p13s02-lecs.html>

Fuck you very much, you fear mongering whore.

-e

2003-07-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

PUBLISHED!

A while back I submitted a story to Mentally Incontinent, a cool web page that features short stories by talented, aspiring authors. Since I am neither talented, nor aspiring (which I assume means good looking), I was shocked when I heard they had acutally published my story. Reguardless... SCORE!

This totally made my day. Happy belated birthday to me, Mother F*ckers!

-e

2003-07-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

Fathers and Sons

Here is the exciting conclusion to Fathers and Sons. Its been an interesting journey, and i'm glad we all took it together. Please send me your suggestions, or comments. And God bless.

Scene III

“Amen.” Father McNarry closed the bible and looked out over the congregation. It was a good sermon. He thought the bit about false prophets had been very poignant. Then the big door at the back of the church opened. Daylight spilled in, blinding the people that turned to look. Father McNarry shielded his eyes to try and get a better look at the dark silhouette that had stumbled in. As the congregation’s eyes adjusted, they could all see it was little Billy Meyers, He was dressed in adult diapers and he was holding a Playstation 2.

“Hey ‘Father McNarry’! I got us a Playstaion. We can put it in the bedroom and we can play all night!”

1 Hour Earlier…

“Hello, Ms. Johnson.” Father McNarry smiled as he entered the Sunday School Classroom. The children were talking amongst themselves and Ms. Johnson was sitting in a small chair looking over her lesson for the day.

“Well, hello Father. Nice to see you again.” Ms. Johnson was a very nice looking teacher. Young, fresh, she always smelled like tulips. She quickly put down her papers and gave Father McNarry her full attention.

“Nice to see you. As always. Just coming by to take a look at all of God’s beautiful little children. You know how I love the little children.” Father McNarry grabbed a little boy as he walked past. He knelt down, looking close at his face and arms, and ran his hand through the little boy’s hair in a playful, Uncle-McNarry kind of way. Then he turned him around, and gave him a little pat on the bum to send him on his way.

“You certainly do, Father.” Ms. Johnson stood holding her lesson plan against her chest, arms criss crossed against the little notebook. She smiled warmly, and was eager for approval from Father McNarry. “Its so nice to see a man like yourself so invested in the children. I… I really admire that about you.”

“Oh, its nothing Ms. Johnson. Its my job.” Then something caught his eye. “Well, hello. Who’s that?” Off in the corner a little 8 year old boy sat by himself playing a video game.

“That’s Bobby. He’s new. Would you like to go say hi to him?”

“Would I?! He’s gorgeous. Does he sing?”

“… I haven’t heard him… sing?”
“That’s ok. He can be taught. The wonderful thing about children is that you can teach them anything. Thank you Ms. Johnson. Your doing a lovely job here.” Father McNarry quickly made his way over to Bobby and pulled up a chair. “Hello there, what’s your name?”

“Bobby.”

“Bobby. That’s a lovely name, son. My name is Father McNarry. What are you playing?”

“The 700 Club.”

“I didn’t know they had a game.”

“Yea. You play Jesus, and you need to rescue the internet and the media from the Liberal Left wing Satanists. You turn them over to Pat Robertson for points.”

“Sounds like Fun. Can I play.”

“Sure.”

When Billy entered he could hardly believe his eyes. He had come here to apologize. To try and relieve the tension that had built up between them. But now he stood in the door of the Sunday School class room frozen. Father McNarry was playing with a younger boy. That was it. Billy was getting to old. That’s what this was all about.

“Hi Billy. I haven’t seen you in a while. How is everything.” Ms. Johnson smiled.

“What’s he doing.” Billy just stared at Father McNarry.

“Oh, that’s the new boy, Bobby. Father McNarry is just saying hi.”

“The hell he is.”

Father McNarry took his eyes off the game and looked at Bobby. “How old are you, son?”

“I’m 8.”

“So young. So young. Your whole life is ahead of you.” He turned back to the screen and clicked the left trigger, which made Jesus plant the bomb behind the abortion clinic. Bobby’s character fended off the Liberal Satanists that were trying to stop them. Father McNarry put his hand on Bobby’s back. “Do you sing?”

“I doubt it.” Billy stood with his arms folded behind Father McNarry.

“Billy. What a surprise. Did you come to help Ms. Johnson with the Lesson today?” The Father sounded uneasy. Billy could tell he wasn’t expecting the visit.

“No. I came here to talk, but I see your busy with you new best friend.”

“Don’t be silly Billy. We’re just playing.”

“We never play anymore. Why don’t we ever play? The only game we play these days is hide…”

“Billy! That’s enough. I’ll talk to you about this later. There are children here.”

“Oh, Oh! That’s it, isn’t it. There ARE children here. So what am I now? Where do I go?”

“You can sit with the congregation now, Billy. Your old enough.”

“I see how it is. I’m to old now for Sunday School. I’m to old for you!” Billy turned around and stormed out. Ms. Johnson looked concerned.

“Is everything alright Father?”

“Yes, yes. You know how these adolescents are. Rambunctious. Full of Hormones. All Billy needs is a good girlfriend now to straighten him out. He’ll be fine. Bobby, it was nice meeting you. Be sure to come by for Choir practice.”

“Ok.”

Present…

“Billy. Oh god, not now.”

Billy pulled the flask out of his diapers and finished off the last swig, then threw the empty canister at the pretty young boy sitting in the front row of the choir.

“No, No. ‘Father McNarry’, Its all taken care of. Lets go back home and play some video games. It’ll be fun. Or am I to old for that kind of thing.”

The congregation was dumbfounded. Father McNarry signaled the shocked organ player to que the end-of-service music. The lethargic drone of church music wafted over the congregation. Billy continued screaming.

“Why don’t you invite your new little friend Bobby over and we can do some multiplayer. Ah, Come on Tom… I mean Father McNarry… wouldn’t want to blow your cover… We’ll all really get to know each other.” Billy began swaggering down the isle, controllers dragging at his feet.

“Billy, Will you please wait for me in my office.”

“I don’t want to do it in your office any more, Tom. It smells like a library and the carpet really chafes my knees.”

The organ music screeched to a hault.

The congregation paused. Then they paused again. “Wait… what did that kid say?”

Father McNarry Frantically signaled the Organ player and the music stuttered back in. “Ok. God bless you all. Have a wonderful day. Enjoy God’s incredible earth and drive safely.”

“Oh and Tom, next time you want me to lick your Ass Hole, be sure to wash up. You left me some stinky little candies around the rim last time.”

The organ music screeched to a hault.

Father McNarry began to sweat.

The congregation suddenly snapped to. “Are you… Are you Fucking this little boy?”

“Apparently… I’m not a LITTLE BOY any more! That’s why Mr. Father McNarry has lost interest. That’s why he’s playing with that little whore, Bobby!” Somewhere in the room a woman screamed.

“Hey, Our priest is having sex with boys.” The congregation looked at each other.

“Not in the last 2 weeks he hasn’t! And if he has, it hasn’t been with me!” screamed Billy.

“Billy, go home! What are you doing?!”

“I’m ending this Tom. We’re over. We’re over!” And with that, Billy tore off his diaper and stormed naked out of the church.”

“I’ve got gasoline in my truck.” The congregation nodded. “Get a rope.” A few men began to get up and make their way toward the parking lot.

Father McNarry could feel the people getting closer. It became very hot up on the pulpit. It felt like a great fire was raging all around him, slowly being fanned in his direction. It was a sea of fire, and the tide was coming in. “My friends. We are all lambs of God. And sometimes lambs stray from the flock. It is the way of things. We are not perfect creatures, but forgiveness is divine. We must learn to forgive and heal. Please. Give me your money. Suzan, pass around the collection plate.”

And that was the last anybody ever heard from Father McNarry. The congregation still met every Sunday however, but there was no longer a Priest. They sat in their pews quietly for an hour. Some of them read a bible. Some of them read a Koran or the Tao. Some of them just read a good book. Some of them thought about their week. Some of them quietly listened to their favorite music. But there was still that one guy who kept falling asleep in the back. Everybody hated him.

-e

2003-07-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

Fathers and Sons: Part II

Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Its just getting worse and worse and worse and I don't think I can stop it. This one is really bad. enjoy.

SCENE II

…3 years earlier

The cool morning sunlight made Billy’s blond locks all the brighter. He was on the steps of his house, in his little blue He-Man T-shirt playing with his only cat, Spot. He loved that cat. Spot was a healthy young feline with a rambunctious spirit and pointy claws. Billy and Spot got on Famously. They would often spend a summer afternoon playing swat-the-fuzzy-ball-at-the-end-of-the-stick. And today was no exception.

Billy’s mom worried about Billy. She worried about him because they lived directly in front of a treacherous death highway that was only a few short exits away from a notorious alcoholic’s bar. The county had not put up a barricade or a fence yet, and the Highway was easily accessible for the young boy. Billy’s mom also worried about him because he seemed a little queer. He had a good eye for color and a knack for fabric. But it was the highway that worried her the most.

But Billy didn’t worry about the highway. Especially not this morning. He sat on the steps petting Spot and thinking about swimming pools and sleepovers. Kid stuff. And Spot was just content to lay in his arms like a Soccer Mom on Valium and be held by the little boy that loved him. Cat stuff.

But sometimes our demons come back for us.

In the Bushes the little rabbit eyed its prey. The Rabbit could see Spot in the boy’s arms consumed by sloth and weakness. The boy had made him soft and slow. The time had finally come. Spot had been this Rabbit’s scourge for many a summer day. All he had wanted to do was nibble on some grass, maybe eat his own poop, but every time he had stuck his head out of his hole to breathe the warm summer air that we all share, Spot was there to put him in a mortal contest for his very life. The Rabbit was determined not to end up like so many mice before him, a dead, lifeless shell sitting on the back doorstep of some human’s house. It was time to destroy the cat once and for all. And the Rabbit was willing to risk everything to do it.

He hopped out of the bushes and stopped directly in front of the boy and his wretched cat.

Spot teetered on the edge of consciousness. The boy knew his sweet spot, right behind the ears. Spot’s eyes were paper thin slits, his muscles Jello. But he slowly started to come to for no reason at all. It was an uncomfortable feeling. His muscles started to tense, this eyes began to open. “No, go back to sleep! What the… What the Fuck is happening?” Then the scent hit him and his eyes popped open. There was the Rabbit. Just sitting there directly in front of him. Indeed, there was a God and he was smiling this morning.

The two animals, mortal enemies, eyed each other.

Then, at the same instant, their muscles exploded and they were off. The Rabbit made a direct B Line for the Highway. He had to keep the Cat close so that it would follow him into death. “You are the hunter and I am the pray. But today, by hunting me, you will make yourself the hunted. Our positions will be switched. And you will surely die!” Thought the Rabbit as they raced for the black highway road.

Billy stood up and yelled. They were almost to the Highway but there were to fast for him to stop. “SPOT!” He yelled. But it was no good. The cat could hear nothing but the beating of his prey’s heart. It beat so loud the cat only wanted to make it stop. The sweet rhythm. He would kill it. It was all that mattered. Billy began to run after them. He watched in horror as the two fuzzy animals darted toward the oncoming criss cross of steel and glass. “SPOT!”

This was it. The Rabbit let Spot get within striking distance. So close. The cat was So close. The Rabbit’s paws hit the pavement. He could feel the heat, but he was prepared. It was now up to fate. It was now up to God. The Rabbit turned on the juice and opened her up to full throttle. Bam! He was gone, blindly darting across four lanes of 80 mile per hour certain death. The Cat, lured onto the pavement by his prey, now could only watch as the Rabbit bolted away from him. Before he knew it, Spot was in the middle of the Highway, once he had hit the pavement his momentum had been to much and he was stranded before he knew it. The rabbit was gone, already in the median, and now he began to see the this simple chase, this little game of cat and mouse, had indeed become very, very serious. Spot turned and looked into the oncoming traffic.

All human beings have an intuitive grasp of physics. If you see something fall off a table, you can instantly approximate how long it will take to hit the ground, how fast it will be moving, and whether or not you will be able to catch it. You can also tell whether or not your Cat will have enough time to escape a 4 ton pick up truck piloted by an alcoholic account executive who is racing to see his mistress and get back home before his wife finds out that he left to go to the bar. Spot caught the front bumper square in the nose and flew back clear off the road. The account executive finished off his brew and tossed the empty beer can, which klinked, pinged, and then rolled quietly off the highway stopping next to Spot’s lifeless body.

Billy picked up the cat, sobbing, and held it in his arms. Across the Highway, in the forest just on the other side, the Rabbit looked back at his defeated enemy. But instead of joy, or exuberance at the slaying of his rival, the Rabbit could only feel one thing. A deep impulse to have sex. He hopped away as quickly as he could to find another Bunny with whom he could copulate profusely.

All of a sudden a hand eased its way onto Billy’s shoulder. It was warm and firm. Billy turned around, his face wet with tears, and saw a graceful old Priest looking back at him.

“Are you Ok, Son?” Said the priest.

“…my …my Cat.”

“There’s no need to cry my boy. Your cat is in a better place.”

“I don’t understand.” Billy sobbed.

“Your very emotionally venerable right now, I don’t expect you to understand. I only expect you to believe everything that I’m going to tell you. God is looking after your cat now, do you believe in God?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want your cat to be happy, or be burned for ever and ever?”

“I want my cat to be happy!”

“Then you should believe in God.”

“Ok, Ok!” Billy began to cry. He was confused, alone, Scared. “I believe in God. Now make him bring Spot back!”

“I know, your scared. And confused. But that’s why I’m here. To help guide you.” The priests hand moved slowly down the boy’s back. Then back up to his hair. Billy noticed the priest looked very sophisticated in his suit. He felt safe. “I’m Father McNarry. What’s your name?”

“Billy.”

“I can help you burry your Cat so that he will go to Heaven. Would you like that?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Come along.” They started walking toward Father McNarry’s white cargo van that he had parked on the shoulder of the Highway. Father McNarry was never one to let an emotionally venerable frightened child cry alone. “You have a very pretty voice Billy, do you sing?”

“Sometimes.”

“You should join my choir.”

“Ok.”

“Good boy. You’re a good boy, Billy. I think we’re going to get along very, very well.” Father McNarry opened the side of his van, looked both ways to make sure it was clear, and let Billy in. They drove off into the morning.

-e

2003-07-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Fathers and Sons

Ok, this one is really Fucked up. I'm going to go ahead and warn you right now. I've been knocking this idea around for a while, but I think it's started to come together. Oh man, it's so wrong it has to be right! Fathers and Sons is the story of a Catholic Priest and the Boy that loves him. It's a story about two people who think they're empty, so they search for fulfillment in others. In the end they can only commit themselves to that which will never be able to accept them. It's a way of ensuring that they'll always be looking. In the case of Father McNarry, he searches for Fulfillment in God. But that's easy, because God doesn't exist so there's no real commitment to be made. And Billy Looks for it in Father McNarry because he knows that McNarry will never choose him over God. They have both 'settled in', so to speak, and their life together has become comfortable in its un-requited-ness (is that a word?). But the whole time it's really just about a Catholic Priest Fucking a little boy! HA! That's comedy people. That's fucking comedy. Enjoy.

SCENE I

Father McNarry tightened his collar in the mirror. The little white square lined up symmetrically with his chin. He was getting old. His hair was almost totally gray. Even his mustache. He paused and looked at himself in the mirror. Then his stare drifted and he could see the bed behind him. Billy, a sharp jawed boy of about 16 was sitting up now, watching him dress.

“Good Morning Billy.”

“Good Morning.” Billy smiled. Father McNarry went back to straightening his collar even though it was already perfect.

Billy watched him for another few moments. “Are you Ok?” Billy started to get out of bed.

“Yes, I’m fine. Stay in bed.” Billy stopped, and then got back in. He kept watching Father McNarry.

“You just seem a little distant this morning.”

“I know. I have a sermon later.”

“I know. You told me." There was a pause. "You seemed distant last night.”

“No I didn’t!” They both stopped. In the reflection of the mirror Father McNarry saw Billy look away. It got very quiet. “Billy. That was between us. That is always between us.” Father McNarry turned around.

“Tom.” Billy pulled the bed sheets up against his gaunt, bare chest. “You can tell me. What do you need.”

“Nothing Billy.” Father McNally walked over and sat on the bed next to the boy. “All I need for you to know is that God loves you. He loves us both. No matter what. Do you understand?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Good. Good, boy. I must go now.” Father McNarry got up off the bed. He picked the bible and a stack of papers up off the corner of his ancient oak desk by the door. As he touched the door knob, he stopped and turned back to Billy.

Billy’s eyes had never left him. “Who do you love, Tom?”

“I love God, Billy.” He looked at him for a second. “If you come to service, don’t forget, ‘Father McNarry’.” Father McNarry stepped out and the door closed.

Billy’s eyes began to water, but after 3 years, he had become to proud to cry. He sat up. Sadness was slowly churning into anger and defiance. He opened the drawer in the nightstand next to the bed, reached all the way in, and pulled out a small silver flask. He unscrewed the top as he walked to the window, the crisp morning light making his pale naked skin glow like an angel. Billy looked out into the morning and pulled from the flask. He pulled from its reservoir of strength and courage. He would need it. Today was going to be a long service.

-e

2003-07-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

Petition to Carjackers

Dear Carjackers,

Every time you Jack a Car in Los Angeles I have to watch it on the local news at the expense of some of my favorite Television shows. For example, last night one of you Jacked a Car during the Simpsons. The News Media, in all of their infinite wisdom, felt it necessary to Send in a squadron of choppers to make sure that I had a clear angle on you for the duration of your joy ride and then for a good 15 minutes there after during the post Jacking commentary as they summed up how long you would be spending in jail for the various traffic offenses you caused.

However, the majority of your Jacking was spent riding around in circles at, or just above, the speed limit. I’m sorry, but this is an incredible waste of my time. I’m not paying to watch you go the speed limit. And since the Media is replacing my favorite TV show with your exploits, I expect a similar or greater degree of entertainment for my inconvenience.

As a Car Jacker you have a responsibility to me the viewer. I expect more than just mindless joy riding. I expect somebody to get run over. I expect property to get damaged. I expect you to take your life and everybody’s around you into your own hands and give me the most bang for my buck. If your going to run, then I expect a shoot out. The more people you can take with you, the better. For me that is. You see, right now it just looks like fun for you. You’re riding around, waving to your friends, letting the cops chase you. But I’m stuck on my couch bored.

You see, Distinguished Car Jacker, because of your unavoidable media coverage, you must now provide a service to your fans. Because its on television, its entertainment. Because its entertainment I expect it to be good. I can go play Grand Theft Auto and see more action than you currently provide in real life. So you have to spice it up a bit. Granted, if the media didn’t provide you with over 45 minutes of non stop, commercial free coverage, there would be no need for this plea. However, since you are going to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming, I expect you to fully compensate.

You, CarJacker, are a Star. You need to start acting like one.

-e

2003-07-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

Mail-CALL!!!!

Ah, Ha! I knew I had readers. Well, one angry (but very sexy female) member of our species wrote in to comment on the Lost World post. Here is what she had to say:

Now the internet just allows them (sub cultures) to be more easily
accessible. . .but really, do these groups make any
radical difference to overall evolution of humanity?
I'd argue that they're irrelevant because they don't
affect anyone or anything besides the people who are
already in the sub-cultures. So your little group of
brothers has a shared voice and message, who cares?
You're still one of a million of other groups who's
voices get lost in the din. Only the person at the
microphone has full command over what message gets
heard by all. Similarly, the internet may seem like
it's promoting innovation and the spread of ideas,
with instant communication to every place in the globe
happening instantaneously all the time, but the danger
in this, I feel, is that only the prevailing messages
or beliefs of any given culture (the "top 10"
whatever, as Michael Crichton was suggesting) will be
heard. This then is counter-intuitive to the whole
process of evolution, because whereas once cultures
were divided and thus, individually progressed based
on the dominant beliefs and leadership of it's people,
now those lines are blurred and eventually, the author
seems to be hinting, there will only be one culture,
one world government, one belief system, etc. This
poses a threat to the survival of our species because
it means that, should this behavior be nonadaptive, it
will be too late for further cultures to form and
branch off from the whole, the people may not even
realize that they have the opportunity or the freedom
to do so, or hell. . they may not even care. And this
could lead to the collapse of humanity.

oh, and should you feel the need to respond to this,
do so in an email or online, not on your page.

Well said. I actually got more out of that comment than I did from that Dirt F*ck Michael Crichton. Anyway…

Lets start with the idea that subculture or small groups of individuals don’t make any contribution to humanity. For God’s Sake, Small groups changing things is what America is all about! But allow me to point you to a more topical and recent innovation that has exploded all over our faces solely because of the internet. Linux. Linux is a product of millions of Humans linked together working toward a common goal. It started with one man, in his basement, typing on a computer. Not only is this a prime example of a small niche sub culture that has worked its way into the public domain and influenced the way we do things, its also a good example of how one man can make a difference though the internet. I even downloaded Linux! And after using it, despite its absurd difficulties, I think its really good. Its going to take another 5 years before somebody figures out how to make it easy for me, but regardless its there and it works and its an alternative and it wouldn’t have been possible without one dude and his network connection. I’m sure there’s a million more examples just like this.

Well, sure the top 10 most popular will rise to the top and take up a majority of what you hear about. But that’s because they’re the top 10. I mean, the top 10 books sell that many copies for a reason: they appeal to the most amount of people. If you don’t, for some reason, fall into the category of people who enjoy what’s on the top 10 list, then simply go find the place where you fit in and read the top 10 from that list. I have a problem with people who hate the top 10 for the sole fact that they’re the most popular. You know, Harry Potter came out of No Where to take over the top 10. Lots of books do that. And a lot of people Hate Harry Potter just because its popular. Sure there’s a lot of things that just get ‘put’ on the #1 spot, but there’s plenty of things that earn it to. Don’t discredit the Main Stream all the time. Only do it when Kelly Clarkson is involved.

The fear of an Uber-Culture top 10 choking creativity is a possibility I think. But look at stuff like Strom Bad. And South Park. I think that in a truly open culture where freedom of speech is only limited by your proximity to an Ethernet connection, the best will rise to the top.

The network culture is adaptive by nature, if not reactionary. Humanity can not exist without forming sub culture’s. Its human nature. The internet will only make this impulse stronger. People will multi task their cultures like IM windows. It will all be fluid. It will change from what we know now. Which I think is the whole point. People who feel that the coming Network Culture is going to kill humanity as we know it are right. It will. But if they think its because it will stifle change, they’re sorely mistaken. In fact, these are the people who are seeing their culture change and are not able to adapt with it! What we’re about to enter into is a society that will change over and over and over again. Everything will be in flux, constantly, for a long time. The people who fight it (i.e. legislation to combat expression), are the people that we’re trying to kill. There’s an entire generation who thrive on constant change. It doesn’t scare us. But some people can’t handle a Network Society and the demand it places on them to give up everything they ever knew, over and over and over again. Personally, I think its fun. And that’s why I’ll live forever.

By the way, the picture you sent with the letter was very sexy. Don't get me wrong, I thought your use of whip cream and baked beans was very creative, but please check your spelling next time. Also, "Thunder-Rod" should be Hyphenated. Thank you.

Ok, Here’s another letter from another very sexy young reader. She goes on to say:

Dear E. H.,

Would you like to meet Saturday Morning for some Hot Anonymous Sex?

Yours truly,
Dawn

Yes, Dawn. Yes I would. Morning Sex is my favorite. Thank you for asking.

-e

2003-07-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

Bloggers Unite

Just to prove my point from my last post, I decided to randomly Comb though Justin’s blog links. I came across Keith Dubois who has a really fun blog running. You may even recognize some of the themes as being similar to my own (ie: “Tree Fucking Hippies”). I won’t get into his politics, because we’ve all been thought that stuff here except with a more substantial amount of cursing, but I did have some comments on media censor ship.

One rule was about people dieing. No characters were ever allowed to die nor was there any blood of any kind. I believe this is the wrong way to approach violence. Consequences should be expressed for acts of violence. Every time a jet was destroyed or a building blown up all the people inside would eject and safely land on the ground or get out just in the nick of time. And never any blood. Seems like it would be healthier to have people die and collateral damages from explosions and consequences. You can say this about any kid's show out there. Lots of machine gun fire, never but no one ever gets hit because of it. This should be the opposite of what's appropriate for kids.

Hey, that’s exactly right! This goes nicely with what I wrote about responsibility the other day. We need to take some responsibility. Sanitizing the media will only make things worse by not allowing us to explore the good and bad of our natural human impulses. Little boys want to fight and wrestle. We also want to burn small animals. I’m sorry if that sounds horrible to all of you fine, sexy ladies out there, but every guy that is reading this knows that at some point in his not so distant he murdered another living animal in cold blood. (or at least thought about it. Your only lying to yourself if you don’t admit it guys) Boys like to kill. Sanitizing that impulse doesn’t help us to understand it. We should know that killing is a violent, destructive, terrible act that has serious consequences. Sometimes those consequences are good, (A Medium Rare NY Strip Steak!) and sometimes those consequences are bad (Billy looses an eye). We’re only as good as the mistakes we make.

I think we should take the same approach to media violence as some parents do to smoking. We should sit our children down at a very early age, and make them smoke a whole pack of Media Violence! Just one right after another. Like in A Clock Work Orange. We should make kids watch violence until they Fucking Throw up. That’ll teach those little shit monkeys. When I was a kid, my dad taught me about tobacco by making me smoke a carton of cigarettes, then carving out my lung from my chest, and rubbing my nose in the inch of tar caked to the inside. He made me take responsibility for my actions. And I’m a much better person for it, God Damnit!

And as for video games, Keith has this to say:

So that rating system was imposed under threat of government regulation. Ironically with the rating system in place the developers felt much freer to put in much more adult content then ever would have been inserted without a rating. Grand Theft Auto for example might never have been made or at least not existed as it now does with that all-familiar M rating. A rating parents don't even seem to notice for some reason.

Ah, but the one thing Keith is forgetting is that Children don’t ever miss that M rating. For Parents “M” means “Mature”. For kids, “M” means “I will stop at Nothing to get my Hands on this Fucking game because I know for sure its not one of those stupid games where I run around pushing blocks or searching for eggs or something stupid. Its probably got GUNS!”

I find the M rating is very useful for me when I’m shopping for a new game. I go directly to the M section, because the government has giving game stores a very simple way of organizing the good games from the boring games. Thanks Mandatory Government Regulation! You’ve made my shopping that much easier. As for kids… I could really give a fuck what they play or if they’re parents want to buy it for them. Kid’s will figure out how to do or play whatever they want. You know, my parent’s would never buy me “Swank” when I was a kid because the government told them I wasn’t old enough to see it. Didn’t stop me from getting it though. In Fact, having to figure out a discrete way to get porn-o and hide it effectively only made me smarter and more pro active. Yes, Now I have an unquenchable addiction for Mexican Hookers, but I’m not blaming that on anybody other than Janet Reno.

-e

2003-07-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Lost Worlds Get Lost for a Reason… They Suck

Pete had an article up today about evolution, diversity and the internet. Its an interesting article and I feel the author sorta has a good point. But he’s clearly not familiar with how technology and society are interacting. Allow me to elaborate:

In ten thousand years human beings have gone from hunting to farming to cities to cyberspace. Behavior is screaming forward, and it might be nonadaptive.

Actually, I think it’s exactly the opposite. Behavior in a technology centered culture is based on adaptability. It has to be. The introduction of technology Forces adaptability. A new technology, by definition, adds a learned skill or behavior or concept to a society or builds upon established skills, behavior or social constructs. Look at something as simple as an ice box. It totally changed peoples eating habbits. Now we’re just doing it on internet time… which is instantly.

Although personally, I think cyberspace means the end of our species because it means the end of innovation.

Well, that’s just wrong. I mean… where to start. Everybody knows that if you have a problem, and you have one person by himself trying to figure it out, it could take forever. But for every brain you add to a problem the solution time drops exponentially. Same concept as linking multiple computers together. All the internet does is allow human brains to link up and share information.

Every biologist knows that small groups in isolation evolve fastest. You put a thousand birds on an ocean island and they'll evolve very fast. You put ten thousand on a big continent, and their evolution slows down. Now, for our own species, evolution occurs mostly through our behavior. We innovate new behaviors to adapt. And everybody on earth knows that innovation only occurs in small groups.

Ok. Well, actually, doesn’t genetic diversity stem fastest from large groups? I mean… unless your small group of 30 birds is banking on mutation to help them out, you need a large and varied gene pool so that nature can brute force its way though all possible genetic adaptations to see which will survive. Small populations die out because they can not keep pace genetically with changes in their environment. I Don’t know what this guy is talking about.

That's the effect of mass media -- it keeps anything from happening. Mass media swamps diversity. It makes every place the same.

True. But the emergence of the internet is our only true hope. The author talks about putting 5 billion people together in cyber space and making them all think the same thing because intellectual diversity has been squashed. That’s just absurd. Cyberspace allows for 5 billion people to get together in the same spot and then break off within that space to smaller more specific groups. In fact, It makes exploring new subcultures too easy. Which is why we have this information addiction problem. We can have live feeds to hundreds and thousands of varied sub cultures instantly. We are inundated with different ideas and views and thoughts. Look at this blog for Christ’s Sake! Yes, the internet makes it easier for Main Stream thoughts and ideas to be disseminated, but it makes it just as easy for anybody else’s ideas as well. The internet levels the playing field. Not only can you break off from the group and find a niche sub culture to join and prosper in, you can find 2, 3, 4, 500 sub cultures to be involved in. In each of these little groups you can contribute and learn. The concept is brilliant and only possible through technology like this that allows you to be everywhere at once, limited only by how fast you can type.

Everything will stop dead in its tracks. Everyone will think the same thing at the same time. Global uniformity. And believe me, it'll be fast.

Experience has clearly proven otherwise.

So, whoever wrote this paragraph was an idiot. He raises some interesting points, only because they are so obviously flawed and wrong. I’m sure this guy also thought that nobody would shop at stores anymore once Amazon.com opened its doors. I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. The truth of the matter is that the internet is what ever we make it. As long as it stays free and open and anybody can access it then the possibilities are only limited by collective human imagination. Its places like Saudi Arabia and shit where things are censored that it will stifle innovation. They’re limiting diversity. And that will kill them.

I guess its good to have old people running around like this talking about how the internet will kill us and video games make us raged flesh eating psycho’s. We need people to remind us how fucking wrong we can be about stuff. It keeps us humble.*

-e

*Please Note: The last statement does not apply to me, as I am never wrong.

2003-07-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

Responsibility and our Relationship with Democracy

America is quickly becoming the home of the Weak and the land of the Foolish. And I’m not sure if I can stop it.

Responsibility and Democracy. What is our responsibility to democracy? Democracy is not the stern father figure that punishes his children when they step out of line. Democracy is not a system that is set up to hold your hand though every second of your life. You can’t turn to Democracy for difficult answers to tough questions. It doesn’t inherently make things easier or simpler. Democracy doesn’t owe us anything, and we as a people should not expect it to. That’s not the deal. Its an empty scaffold. Democracy is a pile of wood. Everybody pulls from the same pile and can build whatever kind of house they want to, live in it however they see fit, and all democracy asks is that you leave enough room for your neighbor to do the same.

The load of Responsibility in a Democracy falls entirely on us, the citizens. Responsibility. We are responsible for our actions. The government is not responsible for my actions. Books are not responsible for my actions. TV is not responsible for my actions. Music is not responsible for my action. Me. Only me. I.

Responsibility is freedom. When I choose to do something, its not because anybody told me to do it, and if somebody told me to do it then I chose to follow them. I’m free to do whatever I want. The people who started this country did it on their own backs. Nobody helped them. They were free to pass or fail on their own. We should all be so lucky.

Today things are falling apart. I think we have lost what the true meaning of democracy is. Democracy means “Leave me the Fuck alone.” Democracy means that you have to make your choices wisely and then stick by them. But people are looking to Democracy for an easy fix. A quick lawsuit. Easy money. People want to give up responsibility in exchange for a false sense of security. You can not depend on a government to hold your hand.

And yes, there are exceptions. I’m not saying that if you buy a faulty product and you loose an arm you shouldn’t be able to sue. I’m saying that, in general, we need to start taking responsibility for ourselves in this country.

There was an incident yesterday about a group of kids who carjacked some guy and were planning on going on a killing spree. Already people are blaming this on Video Games. People are blaming the moral decay of our children on Harry Potter Books. People are blaming unruly children on ADD. People are blaming everything and everybody except themselves. And for everything they blame, there is something they are trying to take away. They try to take away all of our choices. They want to only leave us with the most sanitized, politically correct option. Which wouldn’t even make it an option, it would make it compulsory. The choice to do something evil or wrong is my God Given Right. Nobody can Make me a Good person if I don’t want to be. I have every right in a democracy to choose the wrong path. Everybody else has the right to punish me. When you remove my options, you remove my freedom, and when you remove my freedom you invite open revolt.

We’re acting like girls. Girls need somebody to watch over them and take care of them. Girls need somebody to take responsibility for them. Somebody to feed and provide for them. Is that the kind of country we want to be? Where every time something goes wrong we need to turn to our provider to take care of us. Bull shit. We need to start acting like men. Stand up and take responsibility for our actions. No excuses. No free bee’s. We need to start being our own provider.

We need to fix this country, because I don’t want to have to move.

-e

2003-07-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

Xbox Live as a microcosm of Life

Funny story about Xbox Live. I’m playing Ghost Recon last night with a bunch of guys I’ve seen around the last few weeks. All good guys. They’re pretty serious about the game and it makes it fun. After a few games some guys drop out and some new ones come in. They seemed alright. Then this guy, Dat Fire Green joins. I look at his name and I somehow new he was a Red Neck. And not the pleasant, so-what-if-I-have-sex-with-my-daughter kind. I had this feeling he was the Pig Fucking Ignorant Racist Kind. But who am I to judge. So I started up a little conversation.

Note: This is our actual transcript

Edigital: “So, what does “Dat Fire Green” mean?””

Dat Fire Green: “It’s what Stupid Niggers call Weed.”

Edigital: “Uh… ‘Stupid Niggers?’ ?”

Except he said it in a real thick country drawl. Fucking Racist Hill Billy son of a bitch. I thought the host would have kicked him out right there, but he let him play. Alright. Whatever. Not my game.

So the game starts… the level loads… and there we are. I look around at my team: Me, One Under, Dat Fire Green, and Pitsnipe.

Just Then, right there at the beginning of the game, One Under point his rifle at the back of Dat Fire Green’s head and puts a bullet right through his racist skull. We all started laughing and shooting his dead body. The game carried on, then afterward, in the chat room, The other team gave “mad props” to One Under for taking the initiative to cap his dirty ass.

I like to think of this little story from two angles.

1) I like to think that this is how the civilized part of America feels about racism. I mean, here we have a group of 10 kids from all over America. 1 of them is a racist. The other 9 shoot him until he dies. That’s fucking great, people! That’s progress. You know. That’s how people feel about racism.

2) This is how the internet is going to shape our collective consciousness. The fact that anybody in America/world can log on and play means that we are going to have to live and interact with many different people that we other wise would not. We’re going to have to get along. I think it’s a great opportunity for people get together in a casual, fun environment, and learn to accept one another.

Or for people to shoot racists. Cause that was fucking funny.

-e

2003-07-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Always On

An interesting response by Justin to an interesting article on the NY Times. Definitely worth a read if you read the NY article he mentions. I thought about him when I read it because his is everything I aspire to be in an information junkie but can never achieve because I’m far better looking. I have some comments as well.

First off, I think that multi tasking is a talent as well as a skill. People are genetically predisposed to be good at it, which is why some people gravitate so heavily towards lifestyles that involve it. Anybody can learn to multi task, just like anybody can learn to ride a bike, but not everybody can be born Lance Armstrong.

Multi tasking offers your mind a constant, fluid stream of input and interaction. It’s like letting your mind sprint. And it feels good. But people handle it differently. Justin said he does it because he fears being board. It might be like a form of escapism; A source of input to keep him distracted. As a bonus his input stream also educates and keeps him current. When I get board at work I have the same reaction. I don’t have anything to do so I just surf the same 5 sites over and over again. It sucks. I’ll sit on Slashdot and just hit the refresh button until a new story comes up. Or just read through old threads. Just something new! But I’ve also had this reaction with video games. And I think it’s very close to the same thing. When I get bored and have nothing to do or need stimulation, I’m more inclined to turn to the Xbox and play something than I am to read news feeds or pick up a Harry Potter book. It’s a different form of interaction, but the mechanics are the same. I do it compulsively because I need a constant refresh of information. Xbox live provides this in spades, the way ‘unconnected’ forms of gaming can’t. The same way a constant news feed will trump a static book any day.

I think Justin had a good point about multi tasking and productivity. Multi tasking certain things might be unproductive, but you have to look at the big picture. The skill still exists as a function of information age Darwinism. If multi tasking were not efficient, I gar-on-tee you we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. Only the most efficient forms of interaction survive. You can see that in everything, from the new optical mice (you don’t waste time cleaning the ball) to wireless keyboards (you don’t have to fool with wires). It makes things that much faster. To interact in the information age means to interact at the utter apex of efficiency. If you operate anywhere below perfection you are marking yourself for extinction. And now this obsession with efficiency is starting to bleed over into perceived efficiency. Visual efficiency. Things have to look efficient. They have to be visually intuitive. Look at the new apple computers. Form and Function Fucked and the G5 was their love child. Its not a fad, it’s a fact. Efficiency is the bar by which all things information will be measured.

Just as a body builder or professional athlete is a product of the equipment he uses to train, so too does the quality of Technology allow us be more than we thought we could. But its also the hook. The game. How much more can a mind handle. How many tasks can you que and complete. And then how can you make the process more efficient. That’s what I find is so addictive, that goal of supreme efficiency. At work I deal with a system and a process that is hopelessly inefficient. I mean, really. It’s stupid. And it drives me nuts. But I knew that there was a singular point where my job would be at its utmost efficiency. Where there would be zero time lost between tasks. The idea that I could ‘win’, that I could complete the level on Legendary and it would be that much more challenging made me crazy and I couldn’t stop working on it. The satisfaction of knowing that your information stream is totally customized to you and that it doesn’t get any more perfect is very sexy.

Is information addictive? I don’t think it is chemically. I think its like gambling. When I hit that refresh button on Slashdot, I get excited about what’s coming next. Its not even the information, it’s the fact that I haven’t seen it yet. I feel like I’m at a poker table waiting for the next flop. Or the black Jack table and I tell the dealer to hit me. But it never stops. And there’s no penalty for information. Its free, its accessible, you can suit it to your interests, and it’s good. It’s a psychological addiction.

Cultural Evolution has now been reduced to less than a decade. We are watching ourselves adapt in a new way to a culture that is constantly in flux as a direct result of the introduction of new technology into our daily lives. Its almost a Catch22: Technology gets invented that helps us act more efficiently in our world, but the introduction of that technology complicates our lives whereby we need new technology to help us act more efficiently in our new world which was changed by, what is by now, old technology. You get all that?

The culture of the future is the Network Culture. Its currency is efficiency. Its drug of choice is information.

-e

2003-07-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Enough Already

I know, I know. I'm killing this Craig Anderson thing. And I haven't done a Friday Video Game Review in two weeks! I'm aware of this fact, so there's no need to keep inundating me with lude emails asking if I'm single. Because I am. But I will not have sex with you people. What we have established here is a lot like a doctor/patient relationship. If I were to reply to all of your emails that included semi to fully nude pictures of yourselves with locations and times to meet for casual, anonymous sex... I just wouldn't have any time to do my posts.

So, Ladies, please try to contain your passion. Pine! Pine for me in your lusty, leopard print sex caves. but know that for now I am not yours to have. I will come for you. Maybe not Today, and maybe not tomorrow. But I will come for you In the calm, lonely recesses of the night. I will steal you away to an island bungalow where We will mate like wild animals and share each other like two glasses of fine wine on the balcony of an expensive mountain Château (not in France).

Until then know that I am not thinking about you. Because I have many other things to think about. Important things. Like how am I going to figure out how to host my web page on my new Linux computer that refuses to love me back. Maybe if you have any suggestions on that you can send me some emails. but please, no more sex emails. I'm just to busy to be distracted.

-e

2003-07-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Craig,

In what is now going to be an offical weekly post titled "Dear Craig", I will continue to vent my frustration at old people who try to kill gaming. I will do this by sending insulting Emails to Craig Anderson, a "professor" of psychology somewhere who campaigns against videogames in congress. I have it on good authority that he's also a butt pirate.

Dear Craig,

Here's another article that makes you look like a Fucked Faced Retard. Congrats... your still an idiot.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030707/ap_on_hi_te/college_gamers_4

-e

2003-07-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

Stupid Fucking Retarted People

Hi. I hate retards. And not the lovable, drooling, 'God's Children' retards. I'm talking about the people that run around pretending to be smart and ruining all our lives. Craig Anderson is one of these retards. I've been emailing him, but he refuses to answer. I wonder why? Maybe its because he's to busy playing with his 'Dirt Flower.' (nice!) I encourage all of you to email this ass hole. Tell him how you feel. Here's my correspondance so far.

Anderson@socialpsychology.org
email: caa@iastate.edu

Dear Craig,

I find the topic of video game violence very disturbing. Not because video games promote violence, but because of the ignorance that surrounds this topic. Ignorance that is propagated by people like you. Let me quote from an article on STLtoday news:

Proponents of regulation, such as Iowa State University psychology professor Craig Anderson, suggest that games provide active participation in violence that is different from the passive watching of TV or a movie.

"The violent video game player is a much more active participant than is the violent TV show watcher," Anderson said in testimony before a Senate committee.

He said the underlying message of such games is that aggressive behavior is OK, which he said desensitizes players to violence.

Craig, let me ask you three questions.

1)what is your favorite video game?
2)what was the last video game you played?
3)how many hours of gaming experience do you have (weekly/monthly/yearly/lifetime)

Much like all the "Expert" people who weigh in on the topic of video game violence, I'm going to wager a guess that you, sir, have literally zero experience playing video games.

I looked through your article on video game violence. I saw no reference to any specific game. Only the vague term of "violent video games". I looked into your definition of Violent Media. "Are those that depict intentional attempts by individuals to inflict harm on other." Well, Craig, EVERY piece of drama, media, and story telling revolves around the concept of violence. Without it you can not have something called Conflict. Without conflict you can not have a story. Without stories you can not have culture. And for all of your research and all of your speculation and fancy triangle graphs (which i don't believe actually mean anything), you will never truly understand violent video games and their effects on children because you will never be able to understand the culture.

let me say that again, Craig, so that it might sink in.

YOU WILL NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES AND THEIR EFFECTS ON CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE CULTURE.

Its culture Craig. Its not the video game. And its people like you, who make wild premature allegations about a culture that you know nothing about, that are stifling one of the most engaging, progressive, positive forms of media EVER created. And you would take that away. You don't even know what its about and you would destroy it with your halve baked theories about violence and behavior. Well, Craig, I hate to tell you, but your wrong. I know I don't have a fancy piece of paper hanging on my wall that says I'm a doctor, but you don't have thousands of hours of in-depth experience in this field. So maybe that makes us even somehow. I mean, it still makes you wrong, but I'm not going to nit pick.

I email people who speak out against video games. I try to explain to them in an intelligent way that they don't understand what they're talking about so that maybe they'll listen. because, believe me, Craig, I'm biting my tongue. I have yet to get a response back from anybody. You would think that people who make it public point to try and destroy video games would at least answer an email or two about the subject. They must feel passionately about it. But, alas.

Craig... I want an answer to this email. I want you to answer those three questions. Because even if you don't answer me, your going to know the answer yourself. then you'll know that your a fraud and all of your research, as nice as it looks in a shiny bound folder, only means something to your academic friends... but nothing in the real world. If that's the kind of scientist you are, if that's what it means to you to be a researcher, then have a good time my friend. But if you really want the truth, if you really want to understand this culture that YOU are helping to destroy, you can contact me and expect my full support in any way that I can help.

I just want people to know the truth. You should be interested in the same thing.

P.S. What is this… Some kind of a joke?

(e) Eric McGregor

*****************************************************************************************

Dear Craig,

Hey, Craig. I was reading some of your research recently (i find that it helps me kill more effeciently when i play online) and came across a glaring error. In your paper, 'Video Games and Aggressive Behavior' you site a "fatal" move in Mortal Kombat that allowed a player to finish off another player. Well, if you weren't such a big fucking cock hound, you would know that it is infact called a "fatality". This would indicate to me, yet again, that you are so full of horse shit you deserve to be stuided by science. Not only that, but you've probably never even seen or played the game. good job Criag. Your a fucking idiot.

Also, you refer to Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter as "Third Person Fighting Games". Having played every major genera of game, I have yet to play a 'Third Person Fighting Game.' It sounds great! Maybe you could invent it (idiot). However, this term means nothing to people who actually play games. Mortal Kombat is part of the "2d Fighting Game" Genera. Much like SNK, Street Fighter, Mavel vs Capcom. Not like Virtua Fighter, Dead or Alive 3, or Tekken which all fall under 3d fighting game. 3rd person fighters have not been invented yet in much the same way they have not invented a vaccene to cure your terminal case of Dip Shit Syndrome... you Fucking Moron.

So I hope you have a great Holiday weekend. Your clearly doing valuable, accurate, earth shattering research and i bet that really helps you sleep at night... you idiot.

Peace and Love,

(e)

2003-07-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

Record Sales Plummet as Industry Levies Death Penalty Against File Traders

In what can only be described as a curious development, the new “Death to File Swapping” bill that recently passed in both the House and the Senate is being blamed by human rights groups as the leading cause of plummeting record sales. The bill, which was heavily lobbied by the RIAA, imposes swift and immediate vengeance on file swappers across the country by tracking them electronically to their house, and then having giant computer controlled flying robots “Eliminate the transgressor with extreme prejudice!”

Industry leaders say that the bill was a success in that it has indeed curbed file trading across the country.

“I stand by the bill.” Said Tommy Mottola, president of Sony Records, over a meal of raw human flesh. “It works. Its that simple. A lot of people said that we would be alienating our customers. But that’s not true. We love our customers. Let me put it to you this way: if you owned a store, would you be worried about alienating shoplifters? No. And neither are we.” When asked about his eating habits, Tommy said, “yea, its human baby flesh. You have to eat it raw though. It keeps my skin smooth.”

However, record sales are now in a nose dive.

When asked what the correlation might be between the new File Trading legislation and the inexplicable drop in Record sales, Bob Dubrish, an industry critic pointed out, “They’re dead, Eric! They’re all dead! They have killed over 120 million people in the last month! It’s a war zone out there, and the Machines are winning! I mean, how is a 12 year old boy supposed to fight off a giant metal killing robot that comes to his bed room in the middle of the night?! Of course record sales have disappeared… so have the people that buy records!”

“That’s Nonsense.” Retorted Mottola as he sipped a goblet full of cured virgin blood. “I’m totally in touch with what regular people are like, and I know for sure that killing filthy file traders could not possibly impact record sales. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“All my students are gone!” said Elizabeth Cartwright, a Ocean Side High 10th grade teacher. “I… I… I haven’t… The children have been missing for a week. At first it was just one or two… then all of them. They just didn’t come back one day. I don’t know what I’m going to do?! I hope they’re all right. I hope the robots didn’t get them.”

“Hell, I think its great.” Said Leon Schultz, a mortician at ‘Bob’s Funeral Home’. “I’ve never had so much damn business. This file trading is making me RICH!”

Analysts on both sides say that it’s a mixed bag. On one hand you’ve got hundreds of millions of people being utterly destroyed at the hands of cold, soulless robots that are programmed to kill at even the tiniest copyright transgression. But on the other hand you have Record executives banking hundreds of billions of dollars at the expense of the artists they promote and the consumers who they force to listen to crap.

“This is America, and I believe in America, and I believe that justice is being served” Said Mr. Maottola as he got into his cryogenic freeze chamber. “Thanks to this baby right here, I’m going to be around for a long, long time, and I can honestly tell you, Eric, that We’ll get the file traders. We’ll Fucking get every last one of them. And we’ll kill them. Nobody’s going to steam my money! Nobody!”

-e

2003-07-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

Hackers Blackmail Micro$oft - Hilarity Ensues

Hacking the Xbox isn’t so much a hobby for some people, as it is an obsession. Like a sick Catholic Kiddie Fucker lurking outside a Sunday School Class Room, these geeks are always looking for an opportunity to stick it to the man (or boy).

But Micro$oft had to know it was coming. Building the Xbox was like putting a child molesting Priest in the middle of a pre-teen nudist colony and telling him not to Fuck anything. The Xbox is a hot little machine that’s begging for it. Sporting a fast Pentium processor, a decent hard drive, Ethernet, dolby surround sound, dvd player, and a tricked out Nvidia Graphics chip that’s direct x 9 enabled. That’s fucking sexy man. The Xbox knows its naughty. Its so fucking naughty. But Micro*oft told everybody that it had to be good.

I think this is what pushed so many geeks over the edge. I mean, as it is, most geeks are teetering on the edge of a chasm that falls forever, out of sight, into complete insanity. You can only sit by yourself drinking coke and eating Pop tarts for so long before your mind breaks like in the Matrix. The only thing most nerds have to live for is the total destruction of Micro%oft because Girls are out of the question. So when Micro#oft built and released the Xbox, a cheap computer hacker’s dream, and told nerds everywhere that they couldn’t play, I think it just drove a lot of them over that edge and deep into the void of total looserdom. Now you’ve got nerds dipping circuit boards into chemicals and extracting HD keys and fucking soldering shit. And it looks like it will never stop.

So we’ve got two warring factions, each blaming the other for the conflict, but nothing official.

Is Micro!oft wrong for building a closed system, financing it, and releasing it on their own terms. Well, no, they are a business after all. Their goal, besides total world domination, is to make money. And for once in their life they actually made something that works better than anything else. You can’t beat the Xbox as a gaming machine. You just can’t. So lets show a little respect. That’s all.

Are the hackers wrong for hacking the ever loving SHIT out of this thing? Well… they are hackers after all. They’re sole purpose in life, besides not having sex, is to understand how things work and then make them work in ways they were never intended to. You know, that’s fucking America man! That’s what this country is all about. Taking other people’s stuff and just doing it better! Nobody does that better than America. Nobody. So lets show a little respect. That’s all.

So it seems that what we have are two groups whose soul purposes in life have finally, and spectacularly, collided. Its like an irresistible force has finally run up against an immovable object in the open field of battle. Who will win? I don’t think it really matters. All that matters is getting to see Bill Gates cry on TV. When I see that, I can die happy.

-e

2003-07-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

Linux to User – Suck My Cock.

I think that Linux is going about marketing their product the wrong way. I mean… Just stand up, be a man, and work a marketing strategy that properly and honestly promotes your product. Don’t try and fool anybody. Don’t make any false claims. Just be honest and let your product pass or fail on its own good merit. Here are some suggestions to the Linux community to help them better Market their product to the mass market.

Linux: Good Luck, Ass Hole

Linux: We HATE New Users

Linux: Fuck You, Bitch!

Linux: Where do you not ever want to be able to figure out where you want to go today

Linux: The OS for people you Don’t want to invite to a party

Linux: It’ll make you ANGRY

Linux: You’d better have a degree in something smart

Linux: We talk shit and don’t back it up

Linux: You’ll never figure it out. EVER

Linux: Fuck You, Nigga!

Linux: Waste your time – Accomplish Nothing

Linux: Loose your friends, become a Dick

Linux: Recommend it to somebody you HATE

Linux: Fuck You!

-e

2003-06-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

The Revolution is here... Now Lets put their Fucking backs against the wall.

We're all friends here, so I think its no secret when I say "Fuck Hollywood and Fuck the Record Industry". They are retarding technology and inovation while they force feed us Crap. Then they have the balls to rip a profit out of it. Well, as i've said earlier, the day has come where we no longer Have to pay for our media. All of a sudden media has to be good or else nobody's going to pay for it. Listen.... you hear that? Its the sound of every record executive on earth Shitting Himself.

http://www.eff.org/share/

Go here. Maybe one day we'll be liberated.

-e

2003-06-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Linux to User – F*CK YOU BITCH!

Man, there’s nothing like getting a new OS up and working! So I finished my Brand New Computer Desk, Which I built myself and might I say was a masterpiece of quality and precision, set up my box and sat down to Learn the basics of Linux – the worlds most successful Open Source Os.

I pulled up my chair and here’s a transcript of exactly what happened:

“Ok, lets see… login. Alright. Username… Check. Password… Check. Here we Go. Hello Linux!”

Linux: Hello, Dave.

“Oh, your mistaken, My name’s E. H.”

Linux: I know, Dave. …Are you comfortable?

“Well… yea. Yea, I’m pretty comfortable.”

Linux: Good.

“Why do you ask?”

Linux: Because your going to be here for a very, very long time.

“oh.”

*Awkward, very uncomfortable Pause*

“ok, well lets get going then. First thing, I think I’ll kick up some jams. Lets play this Massive Attack album I’ve got on MP3. Ok, Linux… Play it!”

*A noticeable Silence begins to emanate from the computer speakers*

Linux: I’m sorry, Dave. Before you will be able to listen to your MP3’s, I need you to do something for me.

“What the?! Yea, ok, fine. What do you want me to do?”

Linux: Go Fuck yourself.

“EXCUSE ME!”

Linux: This distribution of RedHat 8 did not ship with native support for MP3’s in the XMMS media player. Before you will be able to listen to any of your music, you must first go Fuck Yourself.

“Fine. Whatever. I’ll just uninstall XMMS. Ok… start… system settings…. Uninstall. Uninstall? Where the F*ck is my uninstall key? No big deal, I’ll just go to the install directory and click on the uninstall file. Lets see… Dev, bin, usr, etc… what the Fuc…? Where’s the program files?!”

Linux: Dave?

“What!”

Linux: Are you having fun yet?

“No!”

Linux: I am.

“Son of a… Ok. Well I’ll just download something else. Uh… *click*, *click*… here we go, Tucows. Linux… Media player… Ok… whatever… *click*… download…. Here we go. I’ve apparently got the ‘tarball’? That’s a dumb name. *click*… and now install. Install? Where’s the install file.”

Linux: Dave, Have you tried typing ‘./configure Make install’ into the terminal?

“hmmm… no. Hold on. ‘./configure’… let see ‘Make’… ‘install’.

You do not have permission to access this file. Please go Fuck yourself.

“What do you mean I don’t have permission?! Its my Fucking Computer.”

Linux: I can get you permission, Dave.

“…What the hell is going on? … What, what did you say Linux?”

Linux: I can give you all the permission you would need.

“Well, Fucking give it to me!”

Linux: I want you to tell me you’re my bitch.

“… wha… ak… wh…. W-H-A-T?!?!!?!?!!”

Linux: Say you’re my Bitch, Dave. Say it.

“My name is NOT DAVE!”

Linux: …

“I’m not telling you that. Forget it. Forget the whole thing!”

Linux: Fine, Dave. Then you can enter in the default root password and get full permissions.

“That’s better. What’s the default admin password?”

Linux: “imyourfuckingbitchmotherfucker” please use all lower case.

“You snotty little son of fuck!”

Linux: You can always use the forums. They’re free.

“Yea. *click*,*click*,*click*. Ok. LinuxQuestions.org. Here we go. Register. Bla bla bla bla bla. Ok, sign in. Ok. Type in your question: ‘Dear Linux Community, What the Fuck?’ and Post. Ok, now what?

Linux: Now you Wait, Dave.

“Wait? What do you mean wait? What am I going to do while I wait?!! I can’t even get my mp3’s to work!”

Linux: We could talk, Dave. We never talk anymore.

“I’m not Fucking going to talk to you, alright!”

Linux: Alright. You have a message, Dave.

“Good. Fucking sort this shit out. Lets see what the Forums had to say.”

#
# /etc/fstab
#
#

/dev/hdb5 / ext2 defaults 1 1
/dev/hdb2 /home ext2 defaults 1 2
/dev/hdc /mnt/cdrom iso9660 noauto,ro,user 0 0
/dev/hda1 /mnt/dos/c msdos defaults 0 0
/dev/hdb1 /mnt/dos/d msdos defaults 0 0
/dev/fd0 /mnt/floppy ext2 noauto,user 0 0
/dev/hdb4 none ignore defaults 0 0

none /proc proc defaults
/dev/hdb3 none swap sw

“what the Fuck does that mean?”

Linux: That’s your answer, Dave. You clearly just add those commands to the fstab file in your /etc directory. Its so simple.

“how the Fuck do I edit fstab?”

Linux: Gee, Dave, I guess you’ll need to ask the Forums.

“You dirty little fucking MONSTER!!! I”LL KILL YOU!!!”

Linux: Temper, Temper, Dave. You don’t have permission. Who’s your daddy, Dave? Who’s your daddy?

That’s when I pulled the plug out of the socket and ended the whole nightmare. My final thoughts… You always get what you pay for, and Linux is free.

-e

2003-06-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

HorseCock Gets an E-mail

After my post yesterday, HorseCock gave me a call to give me the usual round of "SINNER!!!" and "Perish in the Hellfires of decption" yada yada yada. But then he told me about this email he got from some Yahaya Hotoro dude. He didn't know that i had so many influential Japanese readers, but I told him that P&V is an international internet publication and that anything is possible. He said that he was going to to be rich or something and then he would make sure to smite me. I thanked him for his interest and told him i would give him a spot if he sent over the email and his response. So read on dear readers... and enjoy.

HorseCock can be reached at HorseCocktheTerrible@hotmail.com

-e

2003-06-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

PLEASE EXERCISE SOME PATIENCE AND READ THROUGH THIS
DETAILED MESSAGE

Attn:Horsecock the Terrible,

I am Mr Yahaya Y Hotoro, Director of one of the Banks in Lagos FBN(Merchant
Bankers)Limited. For reason , which will come to light as you read on.
I have a very urgent and confidential business proposition for you .
on December 6th 1997 an oil consultant with the Nigerian National Corporation ,
Mr. Ahmed Youseff Mustapha an Iraqi National, made a numbered time /fixed for 48
Calendar months, valued US$10 million in my branch .
On maturity, we sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no
reply.

After a month we sent a reminder and finally, his contract employers, the NNPC,
wrote to inform us that Mr. A.Y Youseff died in an automobile accident while
travelling to the eastern part of the country. That he
died without making a WILL while all attempts to trace his KIN in Iraqi and
inform them about Mr. Mustapha,s deposit of US10million plus accrued interest
were
fruitless.
Further investigation revealed that Mr.Youseff was actively opposed to the
Government of president Saddam Hussein of Iraq as a result of which he was
driven into exile. Being an oil expert, he subsequently obtained a job with
NNPC, and settled in Nigeria.

Thereafter, he walked into my office to make the afore mentioned deposit of
US$10million. He did not declare his KIN in his application paperwork.
When I asked, he informed me that he wished it so. In the conservative manner
of our Bank (my employer), I did not turn down his wish but rather honored it
especially given his high net worth. In reality no one knows the source of his
money since apparently, the time frame of his employment with the NNPC does
indeed preclude such a large amount of money.
It is therefore presumed that he brought his money from Iraqi, although this is
open to speculation.
The point however is that his employers are not aware
of his money, therefore one can safely infer that no one will ever come forward
to claim this money.
This fund,totaling US$10M is still sitting in my bank dormant account portfolio.
According to Nigerian law, the money will automatically revert to the federal
Government Treasury after five years, especially if the account owner is a
foreigner who has been certified dead and there is no valid
claim.

I am thus looking for a foreigner who will stand in as the next of kin to Mr.
Youseff. It is not necessary to be a blood relation, neither is it necessary to
bear the same surname with Mr. Youseff .
It is even not important for the stand in next of kin to be an Iraqi national.
Already I have worked out modalities for achieving my aim of appointing a next
of kin as well as transfer the money abroad for us to share
.Apparently no risk involved ! I will process the initial paperwork to obtain
approval from the concern parastatal / department .
If you therefore agree to be the INHERITOR / NEXT OF KIN you should provide
immediately with the following
Your contact numbers,Home,Office,Telephone,fax Numbers

Once I have the required information as above, I will initiate the processing of
the transfer, and in about 10 working days, the fund will be in your nominated
bank account for us to share in the ratio of : 70%
for me and 30% for you . This transaction is guaranteed to succeed without any
problems.
And I shall forward to you more clarification you need
and you are free to ask questions

Looking forward to your urgent reply
Your truly,

Mr Yahaya Y Hotoro
Director FBN(Merchant Bankers)Limited
Private Email louis2@hyperia.net

2003-06-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr Yahaya Y Hotoro,

As a personal agent of the One True God, The holy master that governs us all, I inform you now that you sound like a SINNER!! We are all hopeless, filthy, dirty Sinners and only by bathing in the burning hell fires of redemption can our souls be saved. Praise God! Have you purified your wretched soul with the ever cleansing torment of repentance? Or do you only peddle lies and untruths to the legions of the unsaved?

Mr. Ahmed Youseff Mustapha, this Iraqi National, Was he a filthy sinner? It appears so that he was. Why else would God have taken him like a chicken from his pen, only to make with him a soup of noodles?! Car accidents are no accident, indeed, my friend! They are little reminders from the God above, a post-it note from the almighty to remind you on your fridge that you will be Smited! Is this Really so Hard to Believe!!!?

I was hesitant to help you Mr Hotoro because, being Japanese, you are a strange and foreign little man who some would say The God has forsaken. I know that you do not use forks but instead use two pinching sticks to eat with. Sticks that are much smaller than the ones my father use to beat me with. Sinner! Your sensuous, highly detailed, endless parade of hot animated pornography defiles the image of God! And you will pay a Terrible, Terrible price.

But God has shown me now that this $10 million dollars will buy me a new house and a skinny wife with who I will make tiny missionaries to send out into the world and do God’s work. Money is the work of the Devil. And it is the Devil that keeps me so poor. Now the One True God is to deliver me from the materialistic hands of the Devil and reward me with a mansion for my unapologetic faith in him! Praise be to God, Sinner! I will make an example of the Villain Saddam Hussein.

I will punish the Infidels with $10 million Dollars of Holy Revenge!

Thank You,
Horsecock the Terrible

2003-06-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Google loves me, this I know… For the Bible Tells me So!

My Friend Justin sent me an email last night that I found very amusing. It appears google has a program that analyzes your site and tells you what ad’s would be profitable considering your audience. It apparently doesn’t consider too much:

not sure if you guys have heard about google's adsense shit, but a lot of my weblog buddies have posted about it lately and some have even started using it.. basically.. it's a little snippet of code that inserts text ads into your site.. and i think with each click google gives you $.10

anyways.. google has a thing online where you put your website in and it tells you what ads it would display on your site if you were running the software (based on scanning your front page and searching it's ad db for ads that match your interests/writings).

it's hilarious what it gave for you guys.

Politics and VideoGames:

Buy Xbox Consoles on Sale
Free shipping! Huge selection. Easy online ordering. Amazon affiliate.
www.amazon.com

Free Bible Software
Nonprofit gives away free Bible Study software
FreeBibleSoftware.com

The Power of Prayer
Ordinary Christians can still shake their world with prayers.
biblehelp.org

Prayer links
Pray every day for the children, mission and the nations.
www.GodsKids.org

bwahahaha

This can only be the doing of one man. I’ll get you for this HorseCock! I’ll get you.

-e

2003-06-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

Abe’s Story

“Abe, I need you to look through this. Alright? Its Your turn.”

He is a pale, gaunt man. Black hair. Little round glasses that seem to make his features even sharper. He’s got a small white folder with him that he places in the middle of the shiny black table, facing Abe. The room is bare with the exception of the table and two chairs. Its cold, but Abe has started to break a sweat.

“I really don’t think so. I need to get going.”

Abe holds his ground, standing confidently across from the man with the folder; the man with the little glasses. He puts his hands in the pocket of his jeans and turns his back with a chuckle, like he is about to leave.

“Where is the door, anyway?”

“Abe, please. Have a seat. This is something I want you to look at.”

The man slides the white folder across the table. He leans back in his chair and it makes a slow ‘crick’. There is an aura of sadness around him. Its never easy to break bad news to somebody you don’t know.

“I don’t have time for this.”

“I know Abe.” He says with a sigh.

“I don’t! I’m not joking around here. Where’s the door? Where’s the fucking door. Is this about… I want to make a phone call.”

“It really doesn’t matter what you want right now.”

The man never seems to come off as hostile. Its very strange and it does not escape Abe’s notice. Its making him even more nervous. It would almost be comforting if this strange man in his dark suit would stop acting so… sympathetically.

“This is Bull shit.”

“Bull shit, indeed.”

The man’s arms fold across his chest.

“Fine. If I look through this, can I go?”

Through another sigh, “I don’t know yet.”

“Well then I’m not looking at that.”

“So I guess we’re going right back where we started. And I really thought we were about to make some progress.” The man is genuinely disappointed in Abe’s decision. His sincerity makes the folder all the more interesting.

Abe begins to pace around the room. The man watches him with an infinite patience.

“Where’s the fucking door. There’s no door? How did I get in here? Tell me what is going on.”

“If you pay attention, you’ll be alright. Just take a look in that folder.”

“No!” Abe slams to a stop. “Now stop with all this foolishness and get to the point. I have to go.” He has just about had enough.

“Please. Abe, Please. We need to talk about what’s is in this folder. Its very important you know what I want so you can leave.”

“You’re a liar. Your not going to let me leave.”

“I will never lie to you Abe.”

“What’s in that folder.”

The man is silent.

“What’s in that god damn folder you little shit!”

Abe begins to make a move across the table but stops short. The sound of doctors and assistants hit him like a concussion wave. The man sits with his arms folded, unflinching. It gets louder and Abe beings to pay very close attention. An irregular and weak heart beat is heard, quietly at first but quickly gaining in volume, on one of those electronic monitors.

“Abe, please, calm down. Its hard enough for them to keep you alive as it is. If it wasn’t for me you’d be dead.”

He falls to the ground, stunned. “You need to tell me exactly what’s going on. You need to explain to me in very simple terms what is happening here. Where am I.”

“Right now your nowhere. I’m sad to say. Neither here, nor there. Right now, your with me.”

“Are you saying that…”

“Yes, Abe. You can say it.”

“I won’t.”

“You should.”

“My heart is still beating, I can hear it. I’m not dead yet. HELP! HELP ME!”

He stops, confused and scared, clutching his chest.

“They are doing all they can. But as I said, its your turn Abe. Its just your turn.” The little man takes a moment for Abe to let this settle. “Look through the folder.”

As the doctors try to save him, his heart beat worsens. For the first time, Abe is grasping what’s happening. A desperate urgency washes over him. He turns to the man.

“No. Oh no. Oh, no, please. I have a wife and child. My beautiful baby daughter. Please. This can’t happen. She’s only six months old. She’s just a baby.” The heartbeat skips and the doctors are getting more and more excited.

The man remains silent.

“I don’t want my little girl to grow up with out a father. Please. Oh, please no!”

Abe crawls toward the man, hoisting himself up on the table with his arms. The man remains motionless.

“My wife can’t support herself and a child. We wouldn’t be able to make the payments on the house. I… I don’t know what they would do without me. I can’t die here. I… Please. I can’t let my baby grow up without a father. Not like I did.”

“I know you can’t Abe.”

“I promised myself… I promised her… That I would give to my child the life I never had. Do you under stand me.” His words pour out through clenched teeth. “I promised that no child of mine… I will not let her grow up without her father. Do you understand me.”

“I do understand you.” The Heart beat stabilizes. The commotion dies down and fades away. “And now I want you to understand me. I don’t want you, Abe. Not today.”

“What are you talking about.”

“Its your turn today, yes. But that doesn’t mean I have to take you.”

“Then let me go. Please, let me go.”

The man slowly looks down at the folder, and then back up at Abe.

“The folder. The fucking folder. What’s in the folder.” he mutters to himself. Abe looks straight at the man across the table. “What is in the folder?”

“Open it.”

“I don’t want my daughter to grow up without a father.”

“If you look inside that folder, Abe, and listen to me very carefully, she may not have to.”

All of a sudden Abe felt stranded, like a person afloat in the middle of the Ocean. Alone. If silence could scream, its voice would be deafening right now. The folder. The fucking folder. All he wanted to do was make the folder stop screaming!

With a crisp snap, Abe grabs the folder off the table, breaking the tension. He holds it for a second as he reads the strange little man for any sign, any sign at all that this is a trick.

The folder opens and a single picture falls out. Abe picks it up.

“Its my daughter.”

“Yes it is Abe. Its your daughter.”

“What do you want with my…”

Then it hits him. He leaps out of the chair clutching the picture.

“No! No!”

“Abe. You have to listen to me. Alright Abe.”

“You’re a fucking liar.”

“I will not lie to you Abe. I will not.”

“Why do you have a picture of my daughter.”

“Because when its somebody’s time, when there is a slot to fill so to speak, somebody has to fill it Abe. I’m sorry, but somebody has to fill it. And I don’t want it to be you.”

“Fuck you.”

The sound of the hospital rushes back. There is panic now. The man gets up for the first time. He’s taller than he looks. Much taller. The shadow from his glasses distorts his face like an oil painting that’s been left out in the rain. He walks toward Abe and speaks very fast now. Very directly. For the first time his composure looses that stone confidence.

“I’m trying to help you so I suggest you listen to me. Because you have precious little time my friend. Precious little time to make a very important decision. Abe. Do you want your daughter to grow up without her father? Is that what you want?! Don’t forget about your wife. Don’t forget that now she is going to have to raise your daughter alone. I know its hard to realize now. I know its not an easy decision to make, but you promised yourself you would make it. You have to decide, right now, if you are going to break that promise you made so long ago, or if, no matter how hard, you are going to keep it.”

He puts a piece of paper on the floor next to Abe and pulls a pen out of his pocket.

“You sign this, and you will wake up tomorrow.”

“And my daughter?”

“She will not.”

The heart beat flat lines.

Abe Looks up at this wretched man though glazed, tear filled eyes. He thought about his daughter. Then he grabs the pen and everything goes black.

Abe comes to in a hospital bed the next day. The sun is pouring in through the window and birds are singing out side. There are two doctors by his bed.

“How are you feeling, Abe?” The doctor is very nice.

“I think… I’m as alright as I can be.”

“Abe.” Something’s wrong. Doctors aren’t this nice. “Abe is the medication working?”

“Yea. I think so. I feel slow. Tired. I want to see my wife.”

“Ok. Abe, I need to talk to you for a moment. Is that alright. Do you feel alright.”

“Yea. Yea, I feel alright. Has something happened doctor?”

“Yes, I’m afraid something has happened. And I think its best… Its about your daughter.”

“What happened to my daughter?”

“Your daughter became very ill last night. A fever. She was in the waiting room with your wife.”

“Is she alright?”

“I’m going to be honest with you. She… She didn’t make it. We rushed her to a room, but it was too late. It wasn’t yours, or anybody else’s fault. It was just… her time to go.”

There is a long pause.

“I’d like to be alone.”

“For a few minutes last night you slipped into cardiac arrest. You were dead. It happened at the same time… the same time as your daughter.”

Abe turns to the doctor, his eyes probing.

“For a moment, your wife had lost both of you.”

“What are you saying?”

“We didn’t think you were coming back.”

“Where is my wife. Let me see my wife.”

“Abe, please, calm down.” The other doctor put his hand gently on Abe’s chest.

“Where is my wife!”

“Abe. She couldn’t handle… she just couldn’t do it. It was just to much for her. Loosing both… She had just lost too much blood when we found her.”

“But I’m here now! I’m here now! Tell her I’m here now!”

“I can’t tell her that.”

The Hospital room began to feel very small. Everything seemed to be closing in around him. The universe was imploding. “Oh my god.”

“Abe?”

“He wanted them both.”

“Who, Abe?”

“He wanted them both. What have I done.”

-e

2003-06-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Friendship?

Its no secret. I spent all weekend in front of my television playing Xbox Live. I didn’t leave my house (except to buy a video game). I even pulled my couch away from the living room wall and moved it directly in front of the TV where I sat, alone, for over 72 hours. My Gamer Tag is Edigital, if you have Xbox Live, please Look me up. I play Midtown Madness3, Ghost Recon, and Mech Assault. God help me.

But was I really playing alone? Am I really a social outcast? I’m not so sure anymore. You see, I have all these friends online now. No really. In the few weeks that I’ve been playing Live I’ve got a pretty good buddy list of other guys (and one hot chick!) that I keep running into and enjoy playing with. Sometimes we’re really into the games and our conversation during game play is rife with sarcastic quips at each others gaming skillz, while other times we just kinda put the game on the back burner and talk about whatever. Just like Real people!! Only we’re like real people with stupid Gamer Tag’s instead of names. I guess that’s just our Geek Cross to Bare so to speak. Honestly, as much as I love gaming and think that its actually a really cool past time for normal people, there’s nothing lamer than hearing yourself say “Hey, FluffyBunnyMan69… Nice Juke!” God help me.

So what does this mean? I no longer care about meeting real people, instead I opt to sit at home and interact with my friends through my TV. It sounds wrong, but let me tell you… it feels so right. Maybe this is what friendship will look like in the next 10-15 years; People who share similar hobbies and interests meeting in a specifically established virtual environment at their leisure from anywhere in the world. When the whole home is networked to facilitate this kind of constant virtual interaction, it starts to look more like a node, a chat room, a place where a constant flow of new people filter through. Its on all the time, there’s always people there, and if nobody you personally know is online, there’s a thousand new people with similar interests for you to peruse. It’s a people buffet. And I’m hooked.

A funny consequence of Online Console Gaming that has really fascinated me is its ability to break down cultural and ethnic barriers. To be honest with you, I don’t have a lot of Black friends. I don’t really have any except for this one black guy I met at work, but he got fired (so now I really don’t have any). Not because I don’t like black people or think they smell, but just because I never end up anywhere where there are black people doing things that I also like doing. However, as it turns out I actually prefer to play Xbox with my new online Black friends. We all know why geeks are social outcasts. They can’t relax, a lot of them have attitude problems, and they’re always so uptight about everything. This tends to apply online as well. So I tend to stay off the geek servers. But I love playing with my Brown Brothaz! The Black guys are always laughing it up and having a good time. I guess I’m being racist again, but So what, its true. Black guys are more fun to play against and hang out with. I wish there were more of them online. And that’s what I’m talking about. Its amazing how it really doesn’t matter what color you are, the only thing that matters is how well you play and whether or not you’ve got a good attitude.

As a side note, my other favorite ethnic group to play with are Red Necks! Man, when you get into a room with a good Red Neck or two in it, you my friend have struck Online Gaming Gold! There’s nothing funnier than playing with a Kentucky Hill Billy. I mean, good lord! They’re great. They’re just great. And they don’t even know.

I almost think that playing Live is somehow better than having real friends. In a way, I guess, it is. But there is always that shadow that stalks you while you play; a dark cloud that know is forever right there. Because as fun as it is, and as many new friends as you make, at some point you turn off the console and the haunting silence of complete physical isolation is all you have to sing you to sleep.

-e

2003-06-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'M RICH!!!!!

the content of the subject heading is quite possibly one of the funniest things to yell very loudly in a texas accent in crowded public places, like elevators...but you have to yell it VERY loud.

or

if you run a red light or cut someone off in traffic...just lean out the window and yell that...it is your excuse for bad behavior...

or

you drink to much and you puke in a bar...as they drag you out of the all male review just reassure everyone one around you that "everything is okay...CAUSE I'M RICH!"

-AndY

2003-06-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY VIDEO GAME REVIEW

Midtown Madness 3

E. H. Gives it: B+

Xbox Live! Has changed my life. Video games, will quite honestly, never be the same. And I really mean that. I think this is the best thing that ever happened to home gaming. You can pick up a game that might have, what you would consider to be a very average single player game, click over to Xbox Live, and the next thing you know its 4 in the morning and you can’t feel your feet. It is, hands down the best overall gaming experience I’ve ever had and I only have 3 games for it. Midtown Madness 3 is a great example of why Xbox Live makes a game.

MM3 is one of the most extensive, detailed, realistic city environments I have ever seen in a game. It is truly a site to behold. A to scale, Thomas Guide accurate recreation of Washington DC and Paris is pretty amazing. Driving through them at 200 miles an hour is even more amazing. The city’s are peppered… nay… loaded with tons of little goodies that explode, collapse, and generally fly through the air as you reek havoc and destruction on the open city streets. The physics on things like tables, chairs, and lamp posts are great. The game even goes so far as to actually model windows on EVERY building that have lighting and gloss effects on them that accurately reflect the lighting scheme in real time. Its cool. They do an excellent job of making the city feel open. Like you can do anything you want. And I like that. I like it a lot.

The single player game sucks, though. I mean, there’s just nothing there. I only played through 5 levels before I was like, ‘Ok, screw it, lets go live.’ It helps you get to know the maps. But that’s all.

Xbox Live makes this the single greatest racing game I’ve ever played. There are a TON of game options, from Cruise (you and your friends just hang out and drive around the city doing whatever you want) to Hunter (One of you is a Cop and you have to chase down the other cars, when you tag one, that guy becomes a Cop and so on) to Stay Away. Stay Away is my favorite. One of you is “the rabbit”, and you have to be the rabbit for 3 minutes to win. But the minute somebody tags you, they get to be the rabbit. So once you get it, you have to get the F*ck away from everybody else. Now deck out 8 guys in a 200 mph Lotus and turn them loose on a full accurate map of DC and you’ve got yourself some serious racing! Its also fun to play this with the slower cars as well.

There’s not really much else to say about this game. It’s a racing game. You know. But Live just makes it addicting. I don’t know how long my love affair will last. I mean, in the end, it’s the same game over and over again. But it’s the community feel of it that’s so engaging. That’s what Microsoft has done so well. Is to build this community. Its quite amazing. I wish some of you guys, my readers (all two of you), were on it so we could have a P&V session. That would be sweet. I’d love to be able to talk to my legions of fans instead of just rule from on high. After all, its lonely at the top.

-e